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First, sorry for posting/deleting/reposting this. I didn't realize there was an anonymous feature at first, and I would much rather use that.

Anyway, as the title suggests, I'm biracial - I am not one hundred percent set on submitting a diversity statement, but I drafted one anyway just in case. I'd appreciate any feedback or suggestions - even if it's just "this doesn't really add much to your application."

Please don't quote; I'm paranoid.

I think it's thoughtful and well written. Importantly, I can see the connection to how your experiences with race would color your point of view as an attorney/law student.

Personally, I would probably submit this. Because it's thoughtful and well-written, it couldn't possibly hurt your admissions chances. No down side at all.

Skool wrote:I think it's thoughtful and well written. Importantly, I can see the connection to how your experiences with race would color your point of view as an attorney/law student.

Personally, I would probably submit this. Because it's thoughtful and well-written, it couldn't possibly hurt your admissions chances. No down side at all.

I had a somewhat lengthy response typed up before, so here's the quick version:
This statement could be written with fewer personal pronouns. Using I, my, me, I, myself, and me all in one sentence seems like a bit much. It could be helpful to focus more on the part of your statement about sharing culture/food to portray yourself as more of an ambassador.

Skool wrote:I think it's thoughtful and well written. Importantly, I can see the connection to how your experiences with race would color your point of view as an attorney/law student.

Personally, I would probably submit this. Because it's thoughtful and well-written, it couldn't possibly hurt your admissions chances. No down side at all.

Skool - thanks for the positive feedback! I wasn't sure if I tied it in to law/law school enough, so I'm glad you think the connection is there.

unsweetened wrote: I had a somewhat lengthy response typed up before, so here's the quick version:
This statement could be written with fewer personal pronouns. Using I, my, me, I, myself, and me all in one sentence seems like a bit much. It could be helpful to focus more on the part of your statement about sharing culture/food to portray yourself as more of an ambassador.

Sorry that you lost a long response when I deleted the original post.

Your point well taken about the pronouns - I will work on that. Regarding the culture/food bit - that's a really good suggestion, but I feel like if I talk about it much more it would be overstating things a bit. I wouldn't consider myself extremely closely linked with the culture - it's mostly just enjoying the food and occasionally sharing stories about the big holidays associated with it.

Thanks for the feedback.

The first 3 paragraphs are great (how often does one get to reference the Mayflower in a writing that also uses a variation of the word "fetish"), but only the first sentence of the last paragraph fits in this writing.

CanadianWolf wrote:The first 3 paragraphs are great (how often does one get to reference the Mayflower in a writing that also uses a variation of the word "fetish"), but only the first sentence of the last paragraph fits in this writing.

...Pilgrim erotica?

I kid. But, thank you for pointing that out. Writing the ending/trying to tie the statement in to law school definitely did not come organically to me, so it's helpful to know that that comes across to the reader. I'll ponder the ending more - do you think it's necessary for me to have a couple sentences (replacement sentences - not in addition to the awkward ones) hammering home how my experiences will affect me in law school and as a lawyer? Or is that something I can leave to the reader's intuition?

No. Just place the first sentence of the final paragraph as the last sentence of paragraph 3 & you are done.

P.S. Not so much" erotica" as "memorable".

Anonymous User wrote:

CanadianWolf wrote:The first 3 paragraphs are great (how often does one get to reference the Mayflower in a writing that also uses a variation of the word "fetish"), but only the first sentence of the last paragraph fits in this writing.

...Pilgrim erotica?

I kid. But, thank you for pointing that out. Writing the ending/trying to tie the statement in to law school definitely did not come organically to me, so it's helpful to know that that comes across to the reader. I'll ponder the ending more - do you think it's necessary for me to have a couple sentences (replacement sentences - not in addition to the awkward ones) hammering home how my experiences will affect me in law school and as a lawyer? Or is that something I can leave to the reader's intuition?

CanadianWolf wrote:No. Just place the first sentence of the final paragraph as the last sentence of paragraph 3 & you are done.

P.S. Not so much" erotica" as "memorable".

I disagree somewhat. I won't say it's necessary to the diversity statement, but with out that sentiment, what is the point of even writing a diversity statement?

You say:

"I believe that it is critical to view people as more than a sum of their actions and attributes, and I will strive to live by this perspective in law and in life."

I think this is an important point and it drives home what you your background will bring to the classroom. Maybe the thesis talk is some clumsy fat than can be cut, but this one sentence is more or less the cash value of what your background brings to the law school's intellectual community.

Dont quote me, but this is from my diversity statement:

Skool's diversity statement wrote:.

Translation: you want me because my background is bringing something to the table

"I believe that it is critical to view people as more than a sum of their actions and attributes..." = What does this mean ?

Then how do you view people--by your imagination of what you wish them to be ?

@Skool: To be blunt, the portion of your diversity statement shared above is very poorly written; please do not submit that to any law school unless you want to be assigned to their summer remedial writing program. And I am not trying to be sarcastic or disrespectful.

P.S. The fact that you had to offer an explanation (translation) of the meaning of your sentence should tell you enough.

K. I'll write into the university and ask them to rescind my acceptance and scholarship until I can get a CW approved DS draft back to them. Do you think they'll let me defer while we workshop it?

CanadianWolf wrote:"I believe that it is critical to view people as more than a sum of their actions and attributes..." = What does this mean ?

Then how do you view people--by your imagination of what you wish them to be ?

Oof, I definitely couldn't answer that question sufficiently in a short diversity statement, but my very abbreviated answer would be that considering someone's actions+attributes without also looking at their past experiences (especially abuse, injustice, and generally being marginalized and falling through the cracks of society) results in a very myopic, less compassionate, and ultimately less just view of that person. (Why yes, I want to do public interest )

I actually like that sentence from my statement that you quoted (or at least the sentiment behind it - I'll reconsider the wording). Based on your feedback and Skool's, I'm thinking I might remove the awks bit about my undergrad research/class. In a way I feel that it's relevant because I'm definitely interested in public defending, but it really does feel out of place here...

P.S., As always, the value of the advice is for op to determine. I'll also leave it up to others to determine the effectiveness of my prose. *shrug*

One piece of advice whose wisdom CanadianWolf illustrates is that you have to write as though your audience is lazy stupid and mean.

They're stupid in that they can't understand you.

They're lazy in that that they're not going to try and understand you.

And they're mean in that they will assume the least charitable interpretation of anything you're trying to say, even if there are equally plausible interpretations supported by the evidence.

OP: All of this is implicit in the first sentence of your fourth paragraph. You're not writing for idiots--they will all understand. This is not a deep concept & is taken into consideration at every sentencing hearing.

Skool wrote:P.S., As always, the value of the advice is for op to determine. I'll also leave it up to others to determine the effectiveness of my prose. *shrug*

One piece of advice whose wisdom CanadianWolf illustrates is that you have to write as though your audience is lazy stupid and mean.

They're stupid in that they can't understand you.

They're lazy in that that they're not going to try and understand you.

And they're mean in that they will assume the least charitable interpretation of anything you're trying to say, even if there are equally plausible interpretations supported by the evidence.

They're probably sick of reading so many diversity statements.

After you're done, try reading your DS out loud in front of a mirror. You may catch some stuff that sounds very awkward coming off of paper.