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edit: Deleted

A few points--

1. I would take out all of the contractions.
2. The bit about your software company needs to be either expanded or taken out.

GL

3 things:

I would completely change the third paragraph, especially the kid in a grocery store part.

The underlying story in the first paragraph is great (and really, the underlying story of your entire statement is fantastic), and I thought your ending was mature.

The statement is quite emotional now. You used words like desperate, tears, and passion. I would alter the tone and make the paper serious and professional, while still telling the same story. In other words, the story is already emotional-- you don't need to overdue it with words like desperate, tears, and passion.

GL

I think you have a good start here, and you should keep on this tack. I would focus on flow- it kind of jumps around from paragraph to paragraph, and you want it to be smoother. Also, you should expand on what a staffing agency is, and explain more about what lead you to seek that job specifically. And I agree about the tone as well- let the stories speak for themselves. Drop the adjectives.

Please cut out some of the semi-colons in your first paragraph. They are excessive and distracting.

I have got to ask, were you using contractions in your undergrad papers and still got a 3.8?

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Although hardcore academics decry the use of contractions, they do sound conversational and thus personable. Don't go out of your way to avoid using them. This can sound distant and cold.

BasilHallward wrote:Although hardcore academics decry the use of contractions, they do sound conversational and thus personable. Don't go out of your way to avoid using them. This can sound distant and cold.

It's a balance.

"I was confident that he’d walk away innocent" is absolutely not acceptable in any semi-formal writing.

"I couldn't hide my dreams behind a cubicle" is probably fine because "I could not hide my dreams behind a cubicle" is a bit stilted.

This is a good start, but it's a little choppy and could use smoother transitions. I don't think the contractions are that big a deal, especially since half of them come within quotes.

Redo the first paragraph. As is, it may be difficult for some to understand how a "hung jury" resulted in a conviction.

Happy to see responses! Thank you!

I'll... er, I mean... I will keep everyone's comments in mind as I start to revise!

First, I would like to talk to you about the positive aspects of your essay.

I really think that the essay has a flow in the sense that each paragraph sort of logically leads to the next paragraph. I also like the story your essay is focused on...about wrongful convictions....I think that it is very interesting and a great way to explain your reason for going to law school...

Here are my opinions/critiques: take it or leave it, hope it can be of some help.
I really think that quotes are often unnecessary, especially if it's a quote which contains your own thoughts. Quotes from other people are ok...but there must be some special purpose for the statement in those quotes for your essay....as in it contains an important theme in your essay which you will highlight or touch upon again later.

The two last paragraphs right before your conclusion paragraph should be more straightforward and clear, because it talks about why you want to go to law school. How exactly did the case of Ricky Jackson help you to resolve your "challenge?" Why exactly did it make you interested in law school? And how exactly is the fact that the job candidates faced the same "challenge" as you relevant to your decision or your desire to join law school?


The last statement in your essay should be a conclusion, but it doesn't really sound like a conclusion. How is exactly starting your career at a software company relevant to your reason for wanting to go to law school? Why is not wanting to hide behind a cubicle relevant to your decision to go to law school and become a lawyer? Perhaps you should use the last paragraph to tie everything in and explain your final reasons on what makes you a great candidate for law school/ or why X law school is right for you/ or how a law career will help you to achieve your goals....

I think you should focus your essay more on that story....the story you began with and the other story of Ricky Jackson...how are they tied together? how are they relevant to each other? How did it change YOU? YOUR THOUGHTS? YOUR IDEAS?

Hope this was helpful!! Please read my essay and give me brutally honest constructive feedback!! I will pm you my essay!! Thank you!

EDIT: OP HAS REQUESTED THAT THIS NOT BE QUOTED/PRESERVED.

I guess my basic point is....be more specific!! be more direct!! be more straightforward! and good luck!

Gracelover wrote:First, I would like to talk to you about the positive aspects of your essay.

I really think that the essay has a flow in the sense that each paragraph sort of logically leads to the next paragraph. I also like the story your essay is focused on...about wrongful convictions....I think that it is very interesting and a great way to explain your reason for going to law school...

Here are my opinions/critiques: take it or leave it, hope it can be of some help.
I really think that quotes are often unnecessary, especially if it's a quote which contains your own thoughts. Quotes from other people are ok...but there must be some special purpose for the statement in those quotes for your essay....as in it contains an important theme in your essay which you will highlight or touch upon again later.

The two last paragraphs right before your conclusion paragraph should be more straightforward and clear, because it talks about why you want to go to law school. How exactly did the case of Ricky Jackson help you to resolve your "challenge?" Why exactly did it make you interested in law school? And how exactly is the fact that the job candidates faced the same "challenge" as you relevant to your decision or your desire to join law school?


The last statement in your essay should be a conclusion, but it doesn't really sound like a conclusion. How is exactly starting your career at a software company relevant to your reason for wanting to go to law school? Why is not wanting to hide behind a cubicle relevant to your decision to go to law school and become a lawyer? Perhaps you should use the last paragraph to tie everything in and explain your final reasons on what makes you a great candidate for law school/ or why X law school is right for you/ or how a law career will help you to achieve your goals....

I think you should focus your essay more on that story....the story you began with and the other story of Ricky Jackson...how are they tied together? how are they relevant to each other? How did it change YOU? YOUR THOUGHTS? YOUR IDEAS?

Hope this was helpful!! Please read my essay and give me brutally honest constructive feedback!! I will pm you my essay!! Thank you!