HELP!!!! I need someone to please review PS draft 1. PLEASE!
Posted: Wed Feb 11, 2015 10:00 am
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To something like this:I remember when my acceptance letter came from Texas A&M University at Galveston. I actually cried with excitement. Two weeks after classes started, my new life and dreams were hit by Hurricane Ike. Not only did it destroy my belongings, it uprooted my life. Three weeks after the storm, I was transferred to College Station where I lived in a tiny travel trailer full of problems [what is a trailer full of problems???] and attended my classes wherever they had room. I still remember my government class in the Methodist church sanctuary. I moved five times that year, but I finished strong. I was biology major at the time, but this experience brought me to the environmental advisor who strongly encouraged environmental. I did not switch right away, but I ultimately graduated with a degree in Ocean and Coastal Resources (Environmental). This is where my curiosity in Environmental law began.
Um...What engine exploding? This is a strong "cold open" to use at the very beginning of the PS, if you wanted to go that route, but here it comes out of nowhere and makes no sense. Furthermore, you don't really connect it to the emergency landing in an obvious way. And it wasn't the engine exploding, it was meeting a successful female lawyer role model on the next plane that made you finally decide. So emphasize THAT. Something like:It was the terrifying sound of the engine exploding that helped me finally decide to act upon my dreams. I was on my way to a Political Action Committee meeting for BASF in New York City. It had seemed my entire life was exploding at the time. I was in a marriage that ended after seven months, because he was extremely mentally and physically abusive. I was currently in a divorce battle that had been ongoing for over a year due to a house I built prior to the marriage [this fact about the house is meaningless]. Throughout this process I have learned a lot about family law as well. That emergency landing of the airplane had me on another flight next to an attorney for the city of Houston. She told me about her divorce, overcoming the tragedy of having an office in one of the trade centers during 911, and her struggles to become the successful lawyer she is today.