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Posted: Wed Jan 07, 2015 5:53 pm
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Re: Hey, Anyone can help me edit a rough draft
Posted: Wed Jan 07, 2015 6:55 pm
PMing you an edited version
Re: Hey, Anyone can help me edit a rough draft. (2nd Draft)
Posted: Thu Jan 08, 2015 3:39 am
No one really cares about your career goals--I would omit mention of that unless you can be more specific and describe what type of law you envisioned practicing. Try to understand that every generic PS includes the "I always wanted to be a lawyer" and then try to imagine adcomms wanting to hurt themselves as they read each and every rephrasing of the same pointless phrase.
You manage to say "I always wanted to be a lawyer" without saying "Why law." I guess you could argue that your vision of "changing things in Russia" is your why law, but that doesn't come through clearly.
I always wanted to be a lawyer = shit
Why law = potentially good
The other large issue facing you is that it's obvious English is your second language. Get someone good to edit your PS.
Your Russia spring 2012 paragraphs are strong but they don't go far enough. In fact, your conclusion that change is impossible without more democracy might even be seen as shortsighted. You don't want to advertise to adcomms that you've encountered a problem with (seemingly) no solution, in my opinion. I would present a different version: change is possible with the right education. Do you think that's true? Doesn't matter
You manage to say "I always wanted to be a lawyer" without saying "Why law." I guess you could argue that your vision of "changing things in Russia" is your why law, but that doesn't come through clearly.
I always wanted to be a lawyer = shit
Why law = potentially good
The other large issue facing you is that it's obvious English is your second language. Get someone good to edit your PS.
Your Russia spring 2012 paragraphs are strong but they don't go far enough. In fact, your conclusion that change is impossible without more democracy might even be seen as shortsighted. You don't want to advertise to adcomms that you've encountered a problem with (seemingly) no solution, in my opinion. I would present a different version: change is possible with the right education. Do you think that's true? Doesn't matter
Re: Hey, Anyone can help me edit a rough draft. (2nd Draft)
Posted: Fri Jan 09, 2015 4:14 pm
I think this is a promising start. A few suggestions:
1. The whole essay needs to be proofed again for idiomatic English.
2. I agree with the above comment that the 2012 experience in Rusdia could be quite interesting and a place where you could expand.
3. I disagree with the poster that you need to be seen offering solutions to potentially intractable problems in world politics. Recognizing that some problems are so difficult that easy solutions are unlikely is a sign of intellectual maturity. However, offering small, practical ways that you see yourself contributing to positive - if incremental - changes would be compelling.
4. If you're looking to tighten it up, I think paragraphs 4 & 5 can be combined - we don't need every detail, just Whst is immediately salient to the small story you are telling.
Hope this helps!
1. The whole essay needs to be proofed again for idiomatic English.
2. I agree with the above comment that the 2012 experience in Rusdia could be quite interesting and a place where you could expand.
3. I disagree with the poster that you need to be seen offering solutions to potentially intractable problems in world politics. Recognizing that some problems are so difficult that easy solutions are unlikely is a sign of intellectual maturity. However, offering small, practical ways that you see yourself contributing to positive - if incremental - changes would be compelling.
4. If you're looking to tighten it up, I think paragraphs 4 & 5 can be combined - we don't need every detail, just Whst is immediately salient to the small story you are telling.
Hope this helps!