3rd Draft of Personal Statement. Please Critique Forum

[Anonymous User]

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[Skool]

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[Anonymous User]

Thanks


but now,what do I do??
I am getting several people from TLS and elsewhere telling me to do A, B or C with my essay. I don't know who to trust and what to do

I like my original version to be honest but i had to change it, and thus lengthen my essay greatly after following others peoples advice


TLS who should I trust and what should I do????

[Skool]

Do what ever you think is best. I still think you have some language issues.

[Anonymous User]

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[Skool]

All I'm saying is, in your ending, I think it's more powerful if it's framed in terms of you helping her reach her full potential by eliminating obstacles. This is a different view than one in which you heroically save her from poverty. It's a change mostly in the second and third to last paragraphs and doesn't require you to minimize your dedication and persistence on her behalf.

But if you don't see the difference in perspective between the two, just disregard the advice.

Edit: Basically, it's public SERVICE not public HEROISM.

[Anonymous User]

I see

well I will take a closer look soon within the next hour

Appreciate the feedback and time spent. Glad to have some feedback, better than none.

Have a good night