Ps critique Forum
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jrha3
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Fri May 23, 2014 12:43 am
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Hat.trick
- Posts: 138
- Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2013 4:05 pm
Re: Please critique my ps!!
Just a few comments.
1) The beginning and end sounds like it should be part of a diversity statement. Also, i am not a fan of your last sentence.
2) It seems like there is a paragraph missing. You jumped from meeting this guy to telling me why you want to be a patent lawyer and i would have liked to see something in between that tells me exactly what you saw or experienced that made you want to be a patent lawyer.
3) This is something small but it stuck out as weird to me that your korean mother was working at a Japanese restaurant where most of the waitresses were caucasian. I would just say she worked at a restaurant.
Overall, add more about what made you want to be a patent lawyer and less about diversity (at least for the personal statement)
1) The beginning and end sounds like it should be part of a diversity statement. Also, i am not a fan of your last sentence.
2) It seems like there is a paragraph missing. You jumped from meeting this guy to telling me why you want to be a patent lawyer and i would have liked to see something in between that tells me exactly what you saw or experienced that made you want to be a patent lawyer.
3) This is something small but it stuck out as weird to me that your korean mother was working at a Japanese restaurant where most of the waitresses were caucasian. I would just say she worked at a restaurant.
Overall, add more about what made you want to be a patent lawyer and less about diversity (at least for the personal statement)
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Ramius
- Posts: 2018
- Joined: Mon Jul 02, 2012 12:39 am
Re: Please critique my ps!!
To be honest, I felt like you missed the mark on this statement. While nothing horribly specific stands out, I just don't really believe you while reading this. It felt like what you were saying revolved around making yourself more interesting based on what you think others will find interesting and compelling vice what actually makes you compelling.
Let me further explain.
1) The anecdote about your mom being treated unfairly as an immigrant may be true, but I sincerely doubt this situation had any reason to affect your desire to ultimately pursue a career in law, especially when you want to be a patent attorney. Maybe this is me projecting onto you, but I'm at least projecting onto you based on what you've given me here.
2) As a side note to this, focusing too heavily on you at such a young age misses the mark in focusing on who you are as an adult. I am in admissions of a professional, post-graduate institution, and I want you to be mature and grown up in every respect. This shows you harboring feelings toward your childhood that could act as a huge red flag, regardless of the rest of your qualifications.
3) Talking about your education at Georgia Tech feels like a resume dump. I see you went to Georgia Tech in your transcripts and resume presumably, so wouldn't I assume you liked your education there since you picked it?
I'm not saying this is inherently a bad statement, but I just don't really believe you. It probably won't hurt you and a 4.0/176 with this will still entertain amazing options. But in terms of introspectively writing about why you really want to be a lawyer and what drives you to be who you want to be in life and profession, I just don't believe you have any idea what you want to be or why you want to be it.
I apologize if this was harsh, and please don't take any of it personally, because applying to law school will always be just that: impersonal.
Let me further explain.
1) The anecdote about your mom being treated unfairly as an immigrant may be true, but I sincerely doubt this situation had any reason to affect your desire to ultimately pursue a career in law, especially when you want to be a patent attorney. Maybe this is me projecting onto you, but I'm at least projecting onto you based on what you've given me here.
2) As a side note to this, focusing too heavily on you at such a young age misses the mark in focusing on who you are as an adult. I am in admissions of a professional, post-graduate institution, and I want you to be mature and grown up in every respect. This shows you harboring feelings toward your childhood that could act as a huge red flag, regardless of the rest of your qualifications.
3) Talking about your education at Georgia Tech feels like a resume dump. I see you went to Georgia Tech in your transcripts and resume presumably, so wouldn't I assume you liked your education there since you picked it?
I'm not saying this is inherently a bad statement, but I just don't really believe you. It probably won't hurt you and a 4.0/176 with this will still entertain amazing options. But in terms of introspectively writing about why you really want to be a lawyer and what drives you to be who you want to be in life and profession, I just don't believe you have any idea what you want to be or why you want to be it.
I apologize if this was harsh, and please don't take any of it personally, because applying to law school will always be just that: impersonal.
