Hey Guys,
Getting ready to send out apps for 2015. Feeling a lil insecure bout my PS. Would love you guys to tear it apart. Here you go:
I did not live my life thinking one day I would have to summarize it in a paper. At times I lived aimlessly. As I grew, I learned to focus. I feel I should be authentic and display the good and bad. I aim to portray the aspects of myself lost in resumes and tests: to portray my self-motivation, my commitment to ethics, and my budding drive for excellence.
I appreciate my self-motivation because I have not always had it. No one else tried impressing motivation upon me. Up until high school, I spent many days at home playing sick. Moving from small Christian schools to a large public high school only diminished my motivation further. Sick days turned to ditching. I neglected school, but I still had a compulsion towards law.
I volunteered as a Teen Court attorney from eight to tenth grade. I would prosecute and defend my peers in traffic and drug cases. This included depositions, interviews, statements, and examinations like a real trial. A friend of mine introduced me to mock trial, where I participated as an attorney. My team even won the city tournament and went to state. Still, I had no appreciation for the classroom.
High school was a bust. Instead of wasting more time there, I earned a GED and enrolled in the Santa Fe Community College at age 16. My immaturity led to a few lackluster semesters. But I knew the stakes: my future. I had to motivate myself. I made a promise to myself to never miss a day of class, never skip an assignment, and study for every test. The next semester I was astounded: all A’s. I graduated SFCC with honors and a need for a Bachelor’s program.
I tried a small college in NYC. This is where I would have my ethics tested. The college promised an immersion into the business culture of Manhattan. Once there, however, I found I was part of an experiment: the school’s big push from a bible-college of 200 to business/media school of 1500. My time at SFCC had sparked my fascination with politics. I tried on many hats: libertarian, progressive, Marxist, and centrist liberal. At this school I had to defend anything not conservative.
I defended my vegetarianism, citing cruelty towards animals and climate change against peers who believed God gave man “dominion” and that climate change is a hoax. I also defended my beliefs in popularism. Dick Armey, former Republican Majority Leader, spoke in a seminar series. I asked him, “As one of the leaders of the Tea Party, what are your thoughts on the anti-Wall St. sentiments in the movement that stem from too-big-to-fail and the bailouts?” He chuckled, “I don’t think there are any anti-Wall St. sentiments. The people are tired of big government.” The OWS movement started in Zucotti Park less than a year later and less than a few miles away from the campus where he was speaking. Though this school afforded me many opportunities to debate, it was a bad fit.
I finished my studies at UNM with an eye towards academic excellence. I chose to study economics and philosophy. I studied neoclassical economics and statistics in order to develop scientific and logical approach towards social questions. I also studied Classic, Modern, and Continental philosophy, in particular metaphysics and logic, which will aid me in analyzing the dense diction and abstract concepts of law. I did well at UNM, graduating Summa Cum Laude.
I made my way back to Santa Fe, where I worked multiple jobs. I worked as a crew chief in my father’s land-surveying firm, a janitor, and most recently, an intern and assistant at a financial brokerage. At the firm I was able to utilize my education while learning corporate culture. I put together allocations for multi-million dollar accounts, I sat in on deals with my mentoring brokers, and I organized corporate seminars and events. I even directed a private gallery viewing for the CEO of Wells Fargo.
I know what it is like to feel malaise, without drive or purpose. And I have felt what it is like to excel. I am confident the law program at [] will allow me to excel further. It will afford me the tools to fight for what I believe, and to help those I care about. I have the self-motivation, I have a commitment to ethics, I have the desire for excellence: all I need is an opportunity.
Thanks guys
Personal Statment Critique Please Forum
- pcph
- Posts: 132
- Joined: Wed May 14, 2014 8:08 pm
Re: Personal Statment Critique Please
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Last edited by pcph on Sat Jun 25, 2016 11:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
- RCSOB657
- Posts: 3346
- Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2014 2:50 am
Re: Personal Statment Critique Please
You probably won't agree, but reading this and your DS makes it all sound a tad bit "I'm special because I'm privileged even though I want you to take me because I'm not that privileged." I am not saying that is the actual motivation, but the two documents sort of rub that way. If that is what you're trying to express, then feel free to ignore this.
- immamac
- Posts: 17
- Joined: Mon Jul 15, 2013 8:16 am
Re: Personal Statment Critique Please
Pcph- yeah I might be trying to fit too much. I'll think about one to run with and redraft. Maybe cool it on the resume stuff.
I wanted to include the Dick Armey thing, but you're right I should try to highlight myself a little more in it, or cut it.
RCSO- I'm not sure exactly what you're saying. I'm lower middle class, but come from a place with lots of poor and lots of rich. In a way that's sort of what I'm going for. Does it come out a little scatterbrained, or douchey?
Thanks for the feedback guys
I wanted to include the Dick Armey thing, but you're right I should try to highlight myself a little more in it, or cut it.
RCSO- I'm not sure exactly what you're saying. I'm lower middle class, but come from a place with lots of poor and lots of rich. In a way that's sort of what I'm going for. Does it come out a little scatterbrained, or douchey?
Thanks for the feedback guys
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