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STRUCTURE is what you need to work on. Each paragraph should have a clear and concise point to it. you are creative but it's hard to follow. Admissions do not get bonus points for length either, I would take out many filler words, and make it more concise

Also, you describe your motivations to be a lawyer, but as an admissions officer, how do I know you can handle law curriculum. What skills, academic and otherwise do you bring that will convince me that you will not drop after the first semester? You see what i'm getting at, If i were you i'd compact the story, and then sell yourself a little more. Remember law schools are in the business of making money and they want to see that you will stay the entire time.

Any more input?

alaird21 wrote:Also, you describe your motivations to be a lawyer, but as an admissions officer, how do I know you can handle law curriculum. What skills, academic and otherwise do you bring that will convince me that you will not drop after the first semester? You see what i'm getting at, If i were you i'd compact the story, and then sell yourself a little more. Remember law schools are in the business of making money and they want to see that you will stay the entire time.

This is basically wrong. The PS isn't about proving that you can handle the law curriculum (your GPA and LSAT support that). That being said, I don't really like this PS. It's very disjunctive; the narrative flows very poorly. The biggest thing is to leave off the final paragraph. You may have a good reason for wanting to be a lawyer, but the way you phrase it is very poor.

My input: work on the narrative. I'm guessing English isn't your first language, so work on making it as smooth and coherent a story as possible.