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Please critique PS - Helping a man to read
Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2014 4:54 am
by Anonymous User
deleted
Re: Please critique PS - Helping a man to read
Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2014 10:47 am
by HRomanus
Nope. Couldn't even understand the narrative with your cutesy stuff dominating it.
Re: Please critique PS - Helping a man to read
Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2014 11:18 am
by Big Red
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Re: Please critique PS - Helping a man to read
Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2014 11:26 am
by GreenEggs
Honestly, my personal statement isn't all that great, but I think this is pretty poor and needs to be totally re-worked.
First of all... what is that beginning... It seems like either a screenplay or something Henry James wrote. The narrative structure doesn't really work, especially since all I've really learned for the first 70% of this is about him and his life experience with you throwing in allusions to your tears.
The "I am no longer in pain as I stare into the mirror. The numbness is gone and the memories slowly fade," made me groan. I don't understand why you were in India in the first place.
I think you have a really strong story here, and an impressive "action" that you took with raising the money. But develop that story more and delete the first 50%.
Again, just my 2 cents.
Re: Please critique PS - Helping a man to read
Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2014 2:59 pm
by Gefuehlsecht
No. Just no.
Re: Please critique PS - Helping a man to read
Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2014 3:39 pm
by Anonymous User
OP here: thank you for the comments. I took a look at the example personal statements are only now realize HOW SHITTY this was. I'm going to work on another draft today and see how it goes. thanks yall