Personal Statement Critique (and exchange?) Forum
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Personal Statement Critique (and exchange?)
Hello all,
I wanted to know if you guys could critique my personal statement. I'm also having trouble getting it under two pages. In exchange for a critique, I can also critique anyone else's personal statement.
Thank you in advance!
President Lyndon B. Johnson once said, “The noblest search is the Search For Excellence.” Johnson’s words mean more to me more now than ever. My Search For Excellence began when I was 10 years old. At the age of 10, I had a dream that I was standing at a podium speaking to an auditorium full of people. And in that moment, I was, in a glimpse of prescient destiny really helping those people and the memory of that dream has remained in my consciousness. I didn’t know then the meaning of the dream or how it would eventually guide the direction my life. I just knew that I had a burning passion and desire to be part of something bigger than myself. I couldn't have imagined then that I would one day be seen by many as a leader and mentor.
Years later I found myself slowly and very unwillingly getting up to dance in the midst of a large crowd of villagers on a hot, humid day, in Daaho, Ghana, and I as I danced I reflected on the struggles that brought me here. Three years ago, I was a new transfer student in the unknown world that was the University of MARS (EDITED). And now I was here in this strangely familiar place representing the international expansion of an organization. Every time that I reflect on the opportunities that I have been given, a flood of emotion sweeps over me because I know how lucky I am. All I can do is try to share a little bit of my luck to those around me. In my life, it seems as though every moment has happened for a reason; almost as if I was destined and as if that dream put me on a path of constant growth and development.
Attending a large university gave me access. A kind of access that I never had, the true access to help a mass of people, and though I was new and was a transfer student, I embraced every moment of my time there. Being eager and again being driven by this dream, I attempted to be involved in something that was larger than me; an opportunity that I previously did not truly have being a quiet kid in a small town. I became a member of a fraternal organization, I was involved with the fraternity and sorority council on campus, was appointed to the Student Association Supreme Court, I joined the radio station, I joined the Pre-Law Association. But, what happened next was completely unexpected. I eventually came to lead several of those organizations both on campus and one internationally. Knowing me when I was a short, nice, chubby kid that transferred from a private school, you would never believe that fast forward several years, that I would have opportunities like those that have been given to me. It still doesn’t seem real.
Along the way, I never expected to learn as much as I did. I organized students, I dealt with conflict resolution among organizations and students, I had to interact with people from all walks of life, I had to be the intermediary between students and university administration, and on each turn, I was successful in my attempts. One of the most important lessons that I have learned, in life, is that the more you give, the more you get. The more time I gave to organizations and the people in them, I received something that I think everyone searches for in life. The most important outcome was that it gave me true happiness. Of course, I’ve dealt with stress, pain, defeat, along the way, but that is erased the moment that you know, you have had a true impact on someone’s life. Knowing that life is not about how much you can do for yourself, but about how much you can do for others gives you the will that you need to continue.
Figuring out your passion and making yourself and the people around you better is a noble cause for any man on his path to excellence. I’ve found my passion accidently, not by forcing anything, but letting life guide me while helping others along the way; becoming a representative of groups, helping organizations here and abroad.
My passion comes from figuring out how to make others around me excel, figuring out solutions, and the next step is to do exactly that through law. The law is everywhere; it's something that you can’t run from and you can’t hide from. Everyone, every company, needs help with some aspect of law. The versatility of practicing law is amazing. Many said that I would like law less working for a law firm or working and interning for Government Officials, but those opportunities have made me love law even more. Studying and practicing law is a challenge that I am more than willing to accept. It is the next step in creating my own legacy and the next opportunity that “seems” to come naturally in my life. Representing those that need honest help and staring in the face of adversity, wherever it may be, is something that intrigues me beyond imagination and I am more than ready to immerse myself in the world of law.
I wanted to know if you guys could critique my personal statement. I'm also having trouble getting it under two pages. In exchange for a critique, I can also critique anyone else's personal statement.
Thank you in advance!
President Lyndon B. Johnson once said, “The noblest search is the Search For Excellence.” Johnson’s words mean more to me more now than ever. My Search For Excellence began when I was 10 years old. At the age of 10, I had a dream that I was standing at a podium speaking to an auditorium full of people. And in that moment, I was, in a glimpse of prescient destiny really helping those people and the memory of that dream has remained in my consciousness. I didn’t know then the meaning of the dream or how it would eventually guide the direction my life. I just knew that I had a burning passion and desire to be part of something bigger than myself. I couldn't have imagined then that I would one day be seen by many as a leader and mentor.
Years later I found myself slowly and very unwillingly getting up to dance in the midst of a large crowd of villagers on a hot, humid day, in Daaho, Ghana, and I as I danced I reflected on the struggles that brought me here. Three years ago, I was a new transfer student in the unknown world that was the University of MARS (EDITED). And now I was here in this strangely familiar place representing the international expansion of an organization. Every time that I reflect on the opportunities that I have been given, a flood of emotion sweeps over me because I know how lucky I am. All I can do is try to share a little bit of my luck to those around me. In my life, it seems as though every moment has happened for a reason; almost as if I was destined and as if that dream put me on a path of constant growth and development.
Attending a large university gave me access. A kind of access that I never had, the true access to help a mass of people, and though I was new and was a transfer student, I embraced every moment of my time there. Being eager and again being driven by this dream, I attempted to be involved in something that was larger than me; an opportunity that I previously did not truly have being a quiet kid in a small town. I became a member of a fraternal organization, I was involved with the fraternity and sorority council on campus, was appointed to the Student Association Supreme Court, I joined the radio station, I joined the Pre-Law Association. But, what happened next was completely unexpected. I eventually came to lead several of those organizations both on campus and one internationally. Knowing me when I was a short, nice, chubby kid that transferred from a private school, you would never believe that fast forward several years, that I would have opportunities like those that have been given to me. It still doesn’t seem real.
Along the way, I never expected to learn as much as I did. I organized students, I dealt with conflict resolution among organizations and students, I had to interact with people from all walks of life, I had to be the intermediary between students and university administration, and on each turn, I was successful in my attempts. One of the most important lessons that I have learned, in life, is that the more you give, the more you get. The more time I gave to organizations and the people in them, I received something that I think everyone searches for in life. The most important outcome was that it gave me true happiness. Of course, I’ve dealt with stress, pain, defeat, along the way, but that is erased the moment that you know, you have had a true impact on someone’s life. Knowing that life is not about how much you can do for yourself, but about how much you can do for others gives you the will that you need to continue.
Figuring out your passion and making yourself and the people around you better is a noble cause for any man on his path to excellence. I’ve found my passion accidently, not by forcing anything, but letting life guide me while helping others along the way; becoming a representative of groups, helping organizations here and abroad.
My passion comes from figuring out how to make others around me excel, figuring out solutions, and the next step is to do exactly that through law. The law is everywhere; it's something that you can’t run from and you can’t hide from. Everyone, every company, needs help with some aspect of law. The versatility of practicing law is amazing. Many said that I would like law less working for a law firm or working and interning for Government Officials, but those opportunities have made me love law even more. Studying and practicing law is a challenge that I am more than willing to accept. It is the next step in creating my own legacy and the next opportunity that “seems” to come naturally in my life. Representing those that need honest help and staring in the face of adversity, wherever it may be, is something that intrigues me beyond imagination and I am more than ready to immerse myself in the world of law.
- RCSOB657
- Posts: 3346
- Joined: Wed Jun 18, 2014 2:50 am
Re: Personal Statement Critique (and exchange?)
I would say that quote at the beginning is personal statement faux pas according to every adcom I have ever heard speak on the subject.
- Gefuehlsecht
- Posts: 110
- Joined: Sat Sep 19, 2009 12:20 am
Re: Personal Statement Critique (and exchange?)
hu·mil·i·ty
(h)yo͞oˈmilədē/
noun
a modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness.
synonyms: modesty, humbleness, meekness, diffidence, unassertiveness;
(h)yo͞oˈmilədē/
noun
a modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness.
synonyms: modesty, humbleness, meekness, diffidence, unassertiveness;
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- Posts: 4
- Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2014 4:07 pm
Re: Personal Statement Critique (and exchange?)
Thank you! I will remove.RCSOB657 wrote:I would say that quote at the beginning is personal statement faux pas according to every adcom I have ever heard speak on the subject.
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- Posts: 137
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Re: Personal Statement Critique (and exchange?)
i would gladly review yours! if you'd like to email me at beroglu@att.net I can send you mine and I'll email you my critiques on yours:)
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- Posts: 4
- Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2014 4:07 pm
Re: Personal Statement Critique (and exchange?)
Reason for this reply? If you are saying that I am not expressing humility in my statement, please let me know. I would honestly appreciate it.Gefuehlsecht wrote:hu·mil·i·ty
(h)yo͞oˈmilədē/
noun
a modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness.
synonyms: modesty, humbleness, meekness, diffidence, unassertiveness;
- Gefuehlsecht
- Posts: 110
- Joined: Sat Sep 19, 2009 12:20 am
Re: Personal Statement Critique (and exchange?)
I think it would be wise to turn down the awesome a little, yes.wayneprice wrote:Reason for this reply? If you are saying that I am not expressing humility in my statement, please let me know. I would honestly appreciate it.Gefuehlsecht wrote:hu·mil·i·ty
(h)yo͞oˈmilədē/
noun
a modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness.
synonyms: modesty, humbleness, meekness, diffidence, unassertiveness;
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- Posts: 4
- Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2014 4:07 pm
Re: Personal Statement Critique (and exchange?)
Thank you for the help!Gefuehlsecht wrote:I think it would be wise to turn down the awesome a little, yes.wayneprice wrote:Reason for this reply? If you are saying that I am not expressing humility in my statement, please let me know. I would honestly appreciate it.Gefuehlsecht wrote:hu·mil·i·ty
(h)yo͞oˈmilədē/
noun
a modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness.
synonyms: modesty, humbleness, meekness, diffidence, unassertiveness;