Another shoddy PS for you to critique Forum

[PeanutsNJam]

Thanks in advance to everybody who takes the time out of their day to read through all the personal statements in this sub. Below is my first draft of a personal statement, but I was thinking of changing topics and would like your thoughts. I went through the examples and one statement that everybody loved talked about a dying grandfather. My dad died of cancer shortly after I started school; I talked about it in my GPA addendum, but would it be more impactful if I made that my statement topic? I've managed to draw out a few tears telling others the story, so I know it has a strong emotional impact. But then I read the TLS statement book, and if I talk about my dad, it doesn't address the main question "will this kid succeed in law school", it'll only make the reader pretend they're cutting onions. Thoughts?

Oh, I know there's some grammatical/spelling errors, I haven't proofread yet. Please bear with those. Primarily, I don't have tense consistency.

I've included random thoughts and stuff in bold.

Please don't quote, thanks.

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Going to severely overhaul this, thanks for all the input. I'll re-bump this thread when I have my new statement.

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Thanks again for all the help.

[Gefuehlsecht]

This statement suffers from an issue lots of other statements on this site exhibit. Undoubtedly, the point of the statement is to answer a question, probably something along the lines of "Explain why you decided to study law!" You aren't doing that. Instead, you're telling me about Shanghai. That's fine, but you don't make the connection to the legal field.

What does your Shanghai experience have to do with the decision to go to law school? As it stands now, not much. You need to stop treating the answer to the question as an afterthought. Every paragraph in your statement should revolve around this question. I am afraid this needs some more work.

[PeanutsNJam]

This statement suffers from an issue lots of other statements on this site exhibit. Undoubtedly, the point of the statement is to answer a question, probably something along the lines of "Explain why you decided to study law!" You aren't doing that. Instead, you're telling me about Shanghai. That's fine, but you don't make the connection to the legal field.

What does your Shanghai experience have to do with the decision to go to law school? As it stands now, not much. You need to stop treating the answer to the question as an afterthought. Every paragraph in your statement should revolve around this question. I am afraid this needs some more work.

Thanks for taking the time to read my statement. Is the bolded the primary reason for the statement? If it is, then I approached it all wrong. However, I've read multiple sample statement and most of them don't explain why someone wants to study law, and the book I read said the primary purpose is to paint a picture of my character and convince adcomms that I will succeed in law school.

I have two other topics I'm thinking of writing on:

- Dad's cancer (mentioned before)
- Bartending (I've seen/experienced a lot from behind the bar, and I can tie it to almost any subject)

Had a friend critique my statement. I'm just jotting down notes here for myself, feel free to make comments on my notes:

- P2 is a shithole. Combine P1 and P2 into one paragraph, which first outlines Shanghai and its growth, along with difficulties in transition. Use my childhood there to create some kind of emotional tether, to use cheesy language, I'm somehow "bound" to this city. No idea how to practically do that yet.

- Add somewhere (near the end?) creating a parallel between Shanghai's growth and development and my own. This emotional and logical tie would be the centerpiece of the entire statement, which is something I currently don't have.

[sparty99]

Thanks in advance to everybody who takes the time out of their day to read through all the personal statements in this sub. Below is my first draft of a personal statement, but I was thinking of changing topics and would like your thoughts. I went through the examples and one statement that everybody loved talked about a dying grandfather. My dad died of cancer shortly after I started school; I talked about it in my GPA addendum, but would it be more impactful if I made that my statement topic? I've managed to draw out a few tears telling others the story, so I know it has a strong emotional impact. But then I read the TLS statement book, and if I talk about my dad, it doesn't address the main question "will this kid succeed in law school", it'll only make the reader pretend they're cutting onions. Thoughts?

Oh, I know there's some grammatical/spelling errors, I haven't proofread yet. Please bear with those. Primarily, I don't have tense consistency.

I've included random thoughts and stuff in bold.

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I had visited this city many times before, but this is the first time I’m settling down here to work. I remember when I was here as a child. There were no buildings over 5 stories tall. My grandfather would take me on his bicycle over unpaved roads to eat at rickety carts along the path. Only a decade ago, this city was still untouched by the industrial revolution. While those street vendors are still present, they’re now cooking in the shadow of skyscrapers. This city currently houses four mega-skyscrapers, one of which will be the second tallest building in the world upon completion. I am talking, of course, about Shanghai.

This first paragraph still reads a little middle-schooly, so I'll go through and make it more eloquent. Right now I'm just trying to get ideas down on paper.

I was initially hesitant when my mother brought up the idea of me looking for work in China. Though I am ethnically Chinese, I’ve grown up in the United States along with wide open roads, uncensored internet, frustration at the DMV, and the gigantic Baconator at Wendy’s. The transition from college to the working world is already rough; I wasn’t ready to compound that with the difficulty of moving to a foreign country where I knew no one but my mother. To this day, I still cannot articulate why I resolved to drop everything and board a plane to China. It was a leap of faith, and in hindsight, it was the best possible decision I could have made.

America is generally believed to be the most international country in the world, but it wasn’t until I came to Shanghai that I sat in a bar during the World Cup with countless Argentinians cursing in Spanish, Germans cheering in German, and Brits looking on with apathy. This is the new land of opportunity; this is what I imagine America to be in its early days. I grew up in a mundane bubble, but here, I’ve met entrepreneurs starting businesses in every conceivable industry, ranging from private investment firms to ones not appropriate for a law school personal statement. This is risky to include. Thoughts? This city and its inhabitants inspired me to change from my complacent, ordinary self into someone who strives to excel in everything they do.

Up until working in Shanghai, I didn’t have big dreams. I never dreamed of attend a top university or succeed in a demanding and challenging field. I just wanted to coast through life. Moving to Shanghai was a definitive sink or swim moment: I could sit in my office and do the minimal amount of work, stagnating in life, or I could take a deep breath and dive into this wonderful new frontier. Meeting countless people who are trying to build their dream from scratch here inspired me to go out and seek opportunity. Networking and coordinating business with other professionals was not even in my job description, but it ended up being the greatest asset I provided my company, and there is no better training ground than Shanghai. I’ve also gained valued mentors, and they challenged me to not settle for mediocrity and take pride in everything that I do, be it waiting tables or setting legal precedents. Motivation to claw my way to the top of whatever it is I’m doing is something I lacked throughout my life, and I’ve learned that it must come from within; no speech or monetary incentive is sufficient substitute. Of all I’ve learned and gained in Shanghai, it is my most prized possession, and is something I intend not only to take with me to law school, but carry throughout the rest of my life.

After entering the work force, I experienced how directly relevant the law is in every aspect of everything we do, and how pathetically minimal my understanding of it is. The law is what defines society in practical terms; it’s the solitary barrier between civility and anarchy, and I want to become a part of it. To me, becoming an integral part of the legal system is the pinnacle of achievement. This is the mountain I’m committed to climbing. Some aspire to be astronauts, doctors, or inventors. I aspire to be a lawyer.

That last paragraph is me trying to add "why law?". Do you have any ideas for making that (and the rest of this statement) more fluid? It seems pretty disjointed at the moment. Are my sentences too short/long?

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Thanks again for all the help.

This is not a strong essay and should not be submitted. You spend the entire essay talking about Shanghai. The personal statement is supposed to be about you putting your best foot forward. You waste valuable space stating how you didn't have big dreams and never dreamed of attending a top university. You said you wanted to coast through life. Now let's pause for a second......WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD THE ADMISSIONS PEOPLE WANT A PERSON WHO IS LAZY?!

Then you talk about what wasn't in your job description. You never even state what the hell was your job? I have no idea your age, who you worked for, what you did. Then you just say some superficial shit. For example, " I’ve also gained valued mentors, and they challenged me to not settle for mediocrity and take pride in everything that I do, be it waiting tables or setting legal precedents."

Then you say some buzzwords which aren't impressive. You write, "Motivation to claw my way to the top of whatever it is I’m doing is something I lacked throughout my life..."

You also say that your understanding was "pathetic." Again, why would the admissions people want someone like that? Then you talk about the law in an abstract form. You reply, "The law is what defines society in practical terms; it’s the solitary barrier between civility and anarchy, and I want to become a part of it." You know nothing about what it means to be a lawyer and what the law is and isnt. Don't try to tell the admissions committee who have a serious amount of experience in law, what the law is and isn't.

At bottom, this is not an effective essay. If you want to talk about your experience in China. FINE. But a personal statement is not about platiutudes. It is not about saying buzz words and saying you overcame something. It is about SHOWING. Let your words paint the pitcure. You were challenged? Don't just say that. SHOW THE READER HOW YOU WERE CHALLENGED. You need to start from square one. Why are you applying to law school? Who are you? What have you done to this point in your life? Why is law school NOW the best route for you? How has being Chinese had an impact on you growing up? How long did you live in China? Are you Chinese born? All of these quetions don't need to be answered, but this is a personal statement. By answering these questions you might be on a better track to writing a more effective essay.

[sparty99]

This statement suffers from an issue lots of other statements on this site exhibit. Undoubtedly, the point of the statement is to answer a question, probably something along the lines of "Explain why you decided to study law!" You aren't doing that. Instead, you're telling me about Shanghai. That's fine, but you don't make the connection to the legal field.

What does your Shanghai experience have to do with the decision to go to law school? As it stands now, not much. You need to stop treating the answer to the question as an afterthought. Every paragraph in your statement should revolve around this question. I am afraid this needs some more work.

Thanks for taking the time to read my statement. Is the bolded the primary reason for the statement? If it is, then I approached it all wrong. However, I've read multiple sample statement and most of them don't explain why someone wants to study law, and the book I read said the primary purpose is to paint a picture of my character and convince adcomms that I will succeed in law school.

I have two other topics I'm thinking of writing on:

- Dad's cancer (mentioned before)
- Bartending (I've seen/experienced a lot from behind the bar, and I can tie it to almost any subject)

No to all. The personal statement is about you. Not your dad. Bartending? Are you serious? How does serving beer to strangers relate to going to law school? It almost doesn't, so this is probably a bad path to pursue. If you wrote about any of these topics it would be in passing and only to get a glimpse of your background. I would hesitate to write a full statement on these topics. Look at the examples of statements on this site. Look at MBA applications. Write 4 or 5 essays based on the questions they ask MBA applicants. If you do that, you will get a better understanding of what you should write. Perhaps one of those essays can be used for Law.

[PeanutsNJam]

Thanks Sparty. Could you unquote my statement? I'm going to drastically change it and don't want records of the old crap.

About not mentioning how I was lazy and whatnot, I was trying to demonstrate how I had changed.

What would the difference between show and tell practically?

Tell - I'm motivated.
Show - I did XYZ. (demonstrating motivation?)

Is that about right?

[Gefuehlsecht]

Thanks for taking the time to read my statement. Is the bolded the primary reason for the statement? If it is, then I approached it all wrong. However, I've read multiple sample statement and most of them don't explain why someone wants to study law, and the book I read said the primary purpose is to paint a picture of my character and convince adcomms that I will succeed in law school.

It depends on the prompt in your application. You have to check what the school wants from you but usually it is something along those lines.