First Draft Forum

[Anonymous User]

It was 3:30 in the afternoon and my last class let out just 15 minutes prior, with my head down and my backpack full of books weighing me down each step, I started making my way for my long walk home from school. Unaware of my surroundings and happily in my own little world, I was quickly shoved into a dark, musty smelling room on campus, a room I would soon dread to ever go into again. While still trying to adjust my eyes to the darkness and figure out what was going on, I was pushed to the ground where two boys held me down and shoved their sweaty hands up and down my shirt. As I wiggled and pleaded, their voices became familiar, they were my classmates, they were wrestlers, I was shoved into the wrestling room. What felt like an eternity was in fact only a matter of seconds before I freed myself from their grasps and ran the mile home.
I remained quiet about this experience, I did not tell my parents, my teachers or my friends. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and lacked confidence. I did not feel comfortable telling anyone and didn’t even know what to say if I had. I was a shy 12-year-old girl and contemplated whether anyone would believe me anyway.
It wasn’t until high school when I started to find my voice and my confidence. It was through my education and my extracurricular activities that I blossomed from that fragile little girl into an educated, poised young woman. I was the captain of my varsity cheerleading squad, where I literally belted my lungs out, a quality that I was too scared to do when I was forced down in that stinky room. I even utilized my newfound confidence to help other young girls like myself. I would meet weekly with a few girls that were struggling either with school, their families, or interpersonally like I did and help them overcome their fears and hardships to the best of my abilities. By being someone that they could relate to, not only did I help them, but they helped me continue to grow as well.
Throughout college I have evolved into a confident woman. I walk proudly throughout campus, I stand tall, and I keep my head high. I am no longer just a voice for myself, but I am now a voice for others around me. I have become a leader and was recently elected as the president of my leadership class where we are working with the athletic department to develop strategies to increase attendance at our home football games. Though it is a small group, it is a huge step for me.
I believe that lawyers have the ability to be the voice of the people. They have the opportunity to take a stand for what is right and wrong and to help others who, like my young self, don’t have the confidence to stand up for themselves. The young girl who was too afraid to speak up is now gone. In replace of her is a bright woman who is passionate, educated, and ready to utilize her confidence and experiences to help others.



** I don't want it to seem like I am hashing out my resume so just keep in mind that the three things I talked about are not listed on my resume at all but I feel like show my evolution of my confidence.

[Anonymous User]

bump. planning on added a bit to the end of how I want to personally help others through law etc.

[Gefuehlsecht]

This is a whole lot of tell, but no show. Don't just tell me you're confident or a leader or a poised young woman and then rehash some blurb from your resume. What makes you a leader? What is it? How do you even define a leader? If you make these claims, convince me that they're true.
Also, you use some rather, well, interesting expressions.

In replace of her

comes to mind.

I think this statement needs a lot of work.

[WhiskeyAndCupcakes]

.

[sparty99]

I agree with the other posters. All you do is tell, but never show. I'm not even sure I would start off with the first paragraph and you getting pushed into a locker or whatever happened. Apparently you are a k-JD. All in all, you need to start over from square one. This is not an effective essay. Google graduate school admissions essays questions/prompts. Answer one of those questions to get a better structure on what you can write about.

[dontdoitkid]

Unfortunately I would recommend that you start over on square one with this. It's good that you have the mindset of using a narrative in order to tell your story, as opposed to turning it into a resume dump, but it reads like a disjointed short story with a confusing payoff.