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Rough draft of my personal statement. Any help or criticism is greatly appreciated!

Growing up, I often heard that life was not fair but never gave any thought to it. I considered it a remark that parents would make when they did not feel like explaining the reasoning behind their decision or punishment. However, as I grew older, I began to see how true this statement is. I was raised in a town where homeless people sleep outside of the metro station, which is only a few blocks away from multimillion-dollar homes. I understood that not everyone was born with the privileges and luxuries that I enjoyed and would often wonder what separated them from me. The unfortunate truth is that many of these underprivileged individuals who I saw sleeping outside the metro station were underrepresented and ignored by society. This was a catalyst that sparked my desire to become a lawyer. My willingness to speak out against injustices, my strong sense of right and wrong, and my resilient desire to help the less fortunate have motivated me to pursue my goal of practicing law.

My father taught me to speak out against injustices and work to help the less fortunate. He is a civil rights lawyer who has dedicated his life to fighting for immigration reform, disability rights, and equal pay. I admire his hard work and the satisfaction he gets from doing what he believes to be right and just. My father’s eagerness to work on cases for disabled, underprivileged, and underrepresented clients is not driven by financial rewards but rather by his strong desire to make a difference in other people’s lives.

The noble example my father set for me is something that I have always tried to emulate. Seeing my father helping others motivated me to partner with the Arlington Food Assistance Center (AFAC) and sponsor local food drives for the homeless and less fortunate in my community. I was actively involved with this organization throughout high school and on my winter breaks in college. While working with AFAC, I helped plan local food drives by collecting canned goods from my neighborhood, transporting them to the AFAC warehouse, and organizing and distributing food to families. This experience showed me that I am happy to work long days and that the only reward I need is the gratification of helping someone in need. This intrinsic motivation is something that will drive my efforts as a lawyer and as an active community leader.

The road to becoming a lawyer is not easy or quick; it is a journey that requires passion and motivation. This is the career path that I have decided to take and one to which I am fully dedicated for several reasons. My desire to help the underrepresented, my strong sense of what is fair and just, and my ability to speak up for a cause in which I believe are only a few of the reasons why I will become a successful lawyer.

I think your goals are laudable. While I like the topic I would be careful because I think this is something that admissions officers probably see all the time. But then again if you feel strongly about it and you know that that's what you want to do, I'd run with it.

Also, I'd scrap the second paragraph about your dad. You're applying, not him.

Agree that talking about your dad distracts from the PS. I feel like there is a leap from the beginning of your first paragraph, where you talk about seeing inequalities, and your desire to become a lawyer. First, you don't need to be a lawyer to "speak out against injustices." So why speak out through a legal career as opposed to going to work for a non-profit or community organization? Second, you talk about working with AFAC towards the end but I feel like this fits more naturally after you discuss inequalities. You see inequalities (homeless people at the metro) and so you did something (worked with AFAC). I also think talking about AFAC would be more powerful if you talked about one specific drive or day as opposed to describing the experience in broad terms.

The other thing I would bring up though is that you talk about wanting to help others but the only example you provide is something you did in high school and on break. If there is something you were involved in on a more regular basis while in college, I think that would be a more powerful example. In all honesty, the lack of an intensive college or work experience where you "help the underrepresented" makes the PS seem a little insincere.

You can't go on for an entire paragraph talking about your father. Cut that. Also, the whole thing reads a bit ho-hum. Tell me something about you, but don't rehash your resume. I'll look at that, too. I want to read about how you beat up the neighbor's kid and got away with it. Specific experiences, not general fortune cookie wisdom. You can do it.