Overcoming Adversity PS - please critique first draft Forum

[Cerebrimbor]

This is my 2 page essay as some of my schools have a strict 2 page max. Can expand on certain points for the other schools with less strict length limits.

Please critique anything you see, including specific grammar and punctation if you see fit. Thank you!

Every year thousands of hopeful applicants participate in a half-day standardized test for a variety of personal reasons, yet they all share a single aspiration: they want to practice law. Who could blame them? The legal field is fascinating and presents countless opportunities to stimulate one’s intellectual curiosity. It is a career path that truly embraces creativity and requires daily application of the capacity of one’s intelligence. Despite this considerable appeal, not all who aspire to become a lawyer possess the attributes essential to success in the study of law and its practice. Those who are called to the field must have the ability to remain determined in the face of adversity, as challenges will repeatedly present themselves throughout law school and the real world and it requires a resilient individual to overcome them.

Coach Paul Bryant once said that you never know how a horse will pull until you hook it to a heavy load, the truth of which became clear to me during my time as an undergraduate. Before attending college I found the path to academic success very clear and manageable. However, things were not so simple once I progressed to the next stage in my education. Towards the end of my freshman year I began to notice that it was becoming increasingly difficult to achieve the high academic standards I’ve always set for myself, despite the fact that the classes I was taking were not inherently more challenging than the rigors of my high school education. My energy levels mirrored those of a seasoned adult, my concentration became unsustainable, and my general disposition was faltering. I rarely encountered a decent night’s sleep and my athletic hobbies suffered as well. Eventually I visited my family’s physician to seek an opinion. He laughed when I suggested that I have receive diagnostic lab tests to assess the status of my hormones since it was far from likely given my age.

Following this visit I continued to exert myself in my studies yet these strange symptoms still plagued me and compounded with the demands of higher education. Upon transferring to Gonzaga I decided to visit the school’s physician for a second opinion and he suggested I get a lab test for hypogonadism, a condition that is extremely rare at my age but would help to explain my recent experiences. Upon receiving the results I was diagnosed with the condition. Much to my surprise, the situation became even further complicated following this diagnosis. During the next eighteen months of my life I endured ceaseless visits to multiple doctors, all of whom had never had a patient of my age with hypogonadism. They all recognized the condition, but few dared to actively treat it. Suddenly I found myself balancing these appointments with school and employment, striving to pursue academic excellence despite the difficulty and distractions that my symptoms presented. Visits to labs became a regular occurrence, yet the information these tests provided did little to determine why I had the condition or how to correct. Some of the doctors tried certain prescriptions, but they had little to no effect and my overall condition failed to improve. I began to feel detached from myself and as though my efforts to resolve the situation were in vain.

Despite my frustration I refused to accept my fate. I became determined to learn as much as possible about the condition and how to treat it in an appropriate manner for someone my age. I relentless studied multiple opinions on the condition and searched for a doctor who would be more proactive and open-minded in treating me, as the others danced around the issue. Finally, after months of toil to maintain my grades, relationships, and quality of life, I found a physician who was willing to prescribe me medication that would improve my condition. Within months I found that my energy and positive temperament returned and I was able to apply myself to my studies and hobbies as I did before my symptoms occurred. I labored endlessly to resolve my situation and was rewarded with a return to normalcy.

When adversity strikes we are often left with little explanation of why it occurred and how to best address it. I was raised in a household where it was taught that attitude could surmount any circumstance, and I applied this mindset to my unfortunate bout with hypogonadism in college. Never before had I been presented with such a threat to the quality of my studies and other aspects of my life, but nonetheless I overcame it and maintained my scholarly efforts while I sought respite. To find success and balance in law school and in the field, one must be able to consistently perform under enormous amounts of pressure and in the midst of unfavorable circumstances. After the trying experiences of my undergraduate years I have no doubt that I will succeed in a demanding law school environment and proceed to have an enjoyable and rewarding career in the legal field.

[Ramius]

This is absolutely no disrespect about your condition, because I've never dealt with it, but this doesn't come off well for you like I think you want it to. It is a strange mixture of "woe is me" mixed with unfounded academic perseverence (your perseverance comes in the condition, not in your academics), which is then combined with some subtle implication that your early college grades (which may or may not be poor relative to the rest of your record) were the fault of this condition.

Overcoming adversity is a great focus in your PS, but I'm not sure this story of overcoming adversity plays correctly.

It wasn't horrible, but my somewhat jaded reading of it (and you'd be kidding yourself to think an ADCOM isn't jaded about reading any given PS) is that this isn't your best effort. Instead of focusing on how hard you had to work to get someone to treat your condition, focus on how you dealt with this issue, but despite the issue, you continued to work toward your academic goals while dealing with it.

I also didn't like your entire intro, which felt manipulative and out of place within the context of your statement.

PM me if you have more questions about my critique.

[arklaw13]

I wasn't really bad, but I just wouldn't write about this. It sounds like you're making excuses for having a low GPA. This is a personal statement, and the only thing that I learn about you from this is that you've struggled with a medical condition. I know literally nothing about you.

[Big Dog]

The first par is just a waste of space. It says nothing about you, and nothing that adcoms don't already know. Ditto the first two sentences of the next par. You might begin with the third sentence ("Towards the end..."), but since it is 50 words....

This comes across as too much 'tell', and not enough 'show.'

Instead of using this as a PS, show adcoms something really cool about you that would make you an interesting addition to the class. Then, use the topic of your illness -- albeit much shorter -- for an addendum for your grades.

[A. Nony Mouse]

I think generally you want the PS to focus on you. If you're making sweeping statements about the law/lawyers/qualities that make people suited for the law, you're not saying anything about you. (You're also likely to say things your reader disagrees with.)

Which is to say that I agree that the opening paragraph adds nothing.