Personal Statement Critique Forum
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Anonymous User
- Posts: 428520
- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am
Personal Statement Critique
Thanks for the critiques and advice!
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Oct 27, 2014 8:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Ramius
- Posts: 2018
- Joined: Mon Jul 02, 2012 12:39 am
Re: Personal Statement Critique
You'd make a fantastic PD.
Just kidding.
This is a great story that shows some good things about you, and I think you've hit on something an ADCOM will enjoy reading.
That said, your writing is a bit clunky. I found myself wishing you'd used less complicated speech and just told your compelling story about how you developed this program to help people who needed help in dealing with the conduct and honor processes. Focus more heavily on what you learned from doing this and less on how you helped Darryl graduate with you. Darryl played more prominently in your statement than you did, which is a problem.
You're absolutely on the right track, but show more evidence about how you grew from this and less on how awesome you are for helping Darryl get out of possessing illegal narcotics.
Just kidding.
This is a great story that shows some good things about you, and I think you've hit on something an ADCOM will enjoy reading.
That said, your writing is a bit clunky. I found myself wishing you'd used less complicated speech and just told your compelling story about how you developed this program to help people who needed help in dealing with the conduct and honor processes. Focus more heavily on what you learned from doing this and less on how you helped Darryl graduate with you. Darryl played more prominently in your statement than you did, which is a problem.
You're absolutely on the right track, but show more evidence about how you grew from this and less on how awesome you are for helping Darryl get out of possessing illegal narcotics.
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hill1334
- Posts: 100
- Joined: Wed Aug 13, 2014 11:31 pm
Re: Personal Statement Critique
I pretty much agree with the above poster. The story you have to tell is compelling, and I can definitely see the link between the law and the program you developed to help students better understand your college's code of conduct, but I think your language is too verbose and your paragraphs could use a little more internal cohesion (i.e., I think your paragraphs could be restructured so that sentences more logically follow each other).
