Personal Statement Critique (ASU) Forum

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azteacher

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Personal Statement Critique (ASU)

Post by azteacher » Sat Oct 25, 2014 11:55 am

Here is the second version of my personal statement. I want to attend ASU and study educational law. Again, please read it and rip it apart until it's perfect.

Thanks.
:D



Public education in this country is broken and needs a change! And it’s not broken for the reasons one might think. It’s not the teachers or the students. It’s the government. I’m a teacher in a public school in Arizona and I see the devastating effects of a nationally applied curriculum on my students every day. What can I do? After spending the day attending Law Day at Arizona State University’s College of Law and meeting with the reps, I realized that attending law school is the answer. It will give me the knowledge, skills, credibility and experience to do something. It’s what I have to do for my fellow teachers and students.
When I got to my apartment that evening, I texted my mother and told her that I had a wonderful day at the event and was considering applying to law school. Shortly after, I received a response, “Law school? What about teaching?” It’s true that I had wanted to teach forever. I am a teacher. And I know full well that Monday I will be in front of my third graders again after fall break. I love teaching. I love my students. But I want more. I want change. After talking to the admissions representatives at the college who ensured us that, “If you have an interest, we’ll get you there” I realized I needed this. The student-oriented mentality really rang in my head. I asked, with trepidation, if it was even possible to study educational law. I told them that these laws have very real consequences and affect me in the classroom and my students. I didn’t expect to get an answer knowing full well that the college’s reputation was built on criminal law. However, the admissions rep looked at me and said, “Yes, absolutely.” He mentioned how I could study all of the required classes and then apply for an externship with Arizona State’s Department of Education where policies are made. This intrigued me.
I’m a New Yorker. I moved to Arizona this past summer to kick start my career. Up until that point I had considered moving back home because unlike Arizona, it seemed, New York actually puts money and resources into education. That’s not to say that it’s the perfect place, but I noticed shockingly obvious differences between the two state’s classrooms. But then as the rep continued to talk about opportunities to study educational law, I had a moment. I could stay here and make change. And if nothing else, make some noise. I see the devastating effects of the new federally mandated curriculum every day with my students. I teach third grade. And many are not developmentally prepared for the demands of the common core state standards. Students should be forming (and answering) questions about the world they live in; creating and exploring, not “close reading” dense informational texts. These are skills they need, but not now. Not all the time.
There are economic consequences too. Funding for my already beleaguered school (not to mention my performance pay) is tied to test scores. It seems every meeting I attend, the conversation (overtly or covertly) is tied to what am I doing to prepare my students to take the tests at the end of the year? This is not how it should be. Politicians in Washington – with strong corporate ties—should not dictate curriculum. Nor should they penalize those who remain autonomous. During my visit to the law school we talked about fracking –an interesting topic – and discussed federalism. This weighed heavily on my mind. It’s directly tied to public education. I want to get in there and make changes.
After talking to the admissions representative who took my concerns seriously, he assured me that I could gain the experiences I wanted. He smiled and urged me to apply. I am. The public education system is broken and needs an overhaul. We need teachers making decisions not politicians. I’m that teacher.
Last edited by azteacher on Sun Oct 26, 2014 3:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MikeM-law

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Re: Personal Statement Critique (ASU)

Post by MikeM-law » Sat Oct 25, 2014 12:38 pm

This needs a lot of work. I think your desire to pursue educational law is a good topic but it's very raw. First off, scrap all the stuff in the beginning about the school. They're not going to care. You're basically saying "I really like this school." They already know that or else you wouldn't have applied. You need to sell yourself. Second, you seem to go on a rant about govt education or whatever. That might not be the wisest idea considering you're applying to a state school. Keep it broad in that respect by talking about how your experiences fuel your desire for educational reform in general and how law school can help you achieve it. But keep it apolitical. Third, get rid of all the quotes and questions. Finally, I'm not sure I would mention that I didn't know what federalism was prior to law day. That's like american politics 101. It would be like wanting to go to medical school and saying "I didn't know what surgery was until I spoke to the professor at the medical school." I'd find a way to rework that or eliminate it entirely.

Edit

Also your first sentence needs to be a strong hook.

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azteacher

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Re: Personal Statement Critique (ASU)

Post by azteacher » Sat Oct 25, 2014 1:23 pm

MikeM-law wrote:This needs a lot of work. I think your desire to pursue educational law is a good topic but it's very raw. First off, scrap all the stuff in the beginning about the school. They're not going to care. You're basically saying "I really like this school." They already know that or else you wouldn't have applied. You need to sell yourself. Second, you seem to go on a rant about govt education or whatever. That might not be the wisest idea considering you're applying to a state school. Keep it broad in that respect by talking about how your experiences fuel your desire for educational reform in general and how law school can help you achieve it. But keep it apolitical. Third, get rid of all the quotes and questions. Finally, I'm not sure I would mention that I didn't know what federalism was prior to law day. That's like american politics 101. It would be like wanting to go to medical school and saying "I didn't know what surgery was until I spoke to the professor at the medical school." I'd find a way to rework that or eliminate it entirely.

Edit


Also your first sentence needs to be a strong hook.
Thanks. It's not that I didn't know what it was but hadn't really thought about it until we really started talking about it in relation to fracking. Then I started thinking about public education but I take your point. I re-worked it a bit.

Interestingly enough when the professor asked "What is federalism?" No one raised their hand to answer. And there were a lot of ambitious folks in that room.

Thank goodness for TLS. Free advice.

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