Personal Statement Critique Forum

[Anonymous User]

First off, thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this. I've really struggled with writing a personal statement I feel is worthy, so I'm hoping that a few outside eyes on it will help me polish it up to a satisfactory level.

Bhangra is a dance of happiness embodied; a display of energy, grace, and power all unified under a central state of unadulterated enjoyment. If you do not smile while you dance, the entire performance suffers. This is because a smile indicates you are happy to be doing what you are doing and you are exactly where you want to be. One of the first things you learn as a Bhangra dancer is that if you are performing, you must be smiling. I was not the most talented dancer, but I never needed to be told to smile. When I first witnessed a Bhangra performance, I could not help but grin as wide as a truck. I felt the energy. I wanted to be a part of it. When I tried out for the team for the first time, I was lauded for smiling without being told to. It was nice, but a poor consolation prize for not making the team. And when I danced Bhangra for three years, from the humid practice rooms in Miami all the way to national competitions in California and Washington D.C., I smiled all the while.

Although I made the team my second year trying out, I was only added as an alternate. Each individual on the team had a partner, a position in every formation, and a distinct purpose. I was nothing more than an insurance plan, added in case someone else was not able to perform. While everyone else on the team was given the chance to present their efforts on the stage through competitions and other performances, I was relegated to working in the background without the promise of the same opportunity. In spite of my misgivings with these limited opportunities to perform, Bhangra itself was intrinsically fulfilling. I could not doubt that the dance brought me happiness, so I pressed on. I learned every Bhangra step, of which there were many. I learned their names, their use, and which segments of the performance called for which moves. Every practice, I toiled with sweat and heavy breath on the sidelines facing a curtain while the rest of the team stood on the stage. In spite of my efforts, the year proved to be extrinsically fruitless as I was not given an opportunity to perform.

My junior year however, eight of the twelve members of the previous years starting roster either graduated or did not join. I was suddenly thrust into a starting position on the team due to my experience. Besides being a starter, I also acted as a mentor. I was able to help the captain teach the new members everything I had spent so many hours perfecting the year prior. The captain even admitted that while I was viewed as a sore thumb during my sophomore year, I was a boon as a junior. Not only was I finally allotted the opportunity to perform on stage with the team, I was an integral part of a team that went to places it had never been. The team performed at its first ever national competition during my second year and achieved its highest achievement yet during my co-captainship final year by placing 3rd at the oldest and one of the most prestigious national competitions. I had progressed from an individual incapable of making the team to someone who served as both a senior mentor to a nationally recognized team of peers and an example of what was possible through disciplined persistence.

Curiously, this experience made me realize that the external performances and acknowledgements of my skills that I craved paled in comparison to the intrinsically rewarding nature of painstakingly learning and teaching a craft. By simply following my passion for the dance, my happiness was never a question. I was not worried about the excitement of actually being involved in these endeavors, whether on stage or behind the curtain, and I realized extrinsic recognition was unnecessary to feeling successful and fulfilled.

These lessons prepared me for my current experiences in a courthouse under the tutelage of Judge [name]. During my time here I have had discussions with jurists, prosecutors, public defenders, and private attorneys, each of which seem to offer the same warning: work in the legal field can often be a thankless endeavor saturated with efforts that lead to no extrinsic success. A situation where I pour hundreds of hours into the research of a case that ends up never going to trial is not uncommon. During these moments of warning, I am reminded of my time spent standing on the sidelines of the stage practicing behind a curtain and I realize that I am comfortable with this reality. Dancing in college taught me that the possible lack of extrinsic success is trumped by the intrinsic prosperity that comes from determined improvement and dedicated study in an area I am passionate in. Sitting beside the judge watching purveyors of the law in action, I feel the same way that I did when I watched Bhangra. I can feel their passion. I want to be a part of it. And though I try to hide it, I sometimes catch myself smiling.

[ChemEng1642]

Awww I actually really liked this!

It is one of the few personal statements that I've read here that actually displays a different story, tells me something about you, hints at "why law", and holds my interest until I reach the end of the statement. That last one is rather rare in my opinion.

That being said there are definitely a few things that need to be polished.

Bhangra is a dance of happiness embodied

The word "embodied" is weird here. I think it sounds better without it.

It was nice, but a poor consolation prize for not making the team. And when I danced Bhangra for three years, from the humid practice rooms in Miami all the way to national competitions in California and Washington D.C., I smiled all the while.

I like both these sentences but it doesn't flow given you jump back in between these two times in the next paragraph.

, of which there were many.

Don't like this - actually if you get rid of this you can just combine this sentence with the next one.

In spite of my efforts, the year proved to be extrinsically fruitless as I was not given an opportunity to perform.

I don't think this adds anything, and it ends your paragraph on a somewhat sour note even though you spent the entire paragraph expressing how you found it fulfilling anyway.

eight of the twelve members of the previous years starting roster either graduated or did not join.

Don't need this - sounds better just to say "due to your experience"

The captain even admitted that while I was viewed as a sore thumb during my sophomore year, I was a boon as a junior.

Don't like the sore thumb line - sounds unnecessarily negative. Actually I would just get rid of this sentence. It flows fine without it.

during my second year

Of? I can guess but it's unclear

achieved its highest achievement

same word twice sounds funny

my co-captainship final year

"my" final year I think

Curiously,

delete

Sorry for being so nitpicky - but I only do it because I think your statement is great and polishing is really all that's left!

[luuma]

This is great. I mostly skimmed but I was captured by the first sentence. However, some repetition I would address. But overall, great topic!

[Anonymous User]

Awww I actually really liked this! Although you should note that I may be somewhat biased since I did Bharatanatyam for 12 years before going to college.

It is one of the few personal statements that I've read here that actually displays a different story, tells me something about you, hints at "why law", and holds my interest until I reach the end of the statement. That last one is rather rare in my opinion.

That being said there are definitely a few things that need to be polished.

Bhangra is a dance of happiness embodied

The word "embodied" is weird here. I think it sounds better without it.

It was nice, but a poor consolation prize for not making the team. And when I danced Bhangra for three years, from the humid practice rooms in Miami all the way to national competitions in California and Washington D.C., I smiled all the while.

I like both these sentences but it doesn't flow given you jump back in between these two times in the next paragraph.

, of which there were many.

Don't like this - actually if you get rid of this you can just combine this sentence with the next one.

In spite of my efforts, the year proved to be extrinsically fruitless as I was not given an opportunity to perform.

I don't think this adds anything, and it ends your paragraph on a somewhat sour note even though you spent the entire paragraph expressing how you found it fulfilling anyway.

eight of the twelve members of the previous years starting roster either graduated or did not join.

Don't need this - sounds better just to say "due to your experience"

The captain even admitted that while I was viewed as a sore thumb during my sophomore year, I was a boon as a junior.

Don't like the sore thumb line - sounds unnecessarily negative. Actually I would just get rid of this sentence. It flows fine without it.

during my second year

Of? I can guess but it's unclear

achieved its highest achievement

same word twice sounds funny

my co-captainship final year

"my" final year I think

Curiously,

delete

Sorry for being so nitpicky - but I only do it because I think your statement is great and polishing is really all that's left!

Thank you so much for your critiques. I have been editing it from the critiques of a lot of people, but yours were both novel and very useful in making my personal statement flow better. This may be asking too much, but I've since updated my personal statement and I would love it if you give it a quick read to let me know if I've kept the original strengths you found while mitigating the weaknesses. Either way, thank you for your help!

Updated PS:

As I assist Judge [name] on the bench at the [county name] courthouse, I often consider the course of events that have led me to this point. My education exposed the economic and political implications the law could have on households and global infrastructure alike while my internships introduced me to the breadth of potential areas of study the law oversaw. Curiously, while these pursuits helped catalyze my decision to strive for a career in law, it is my experiences with Bhangra, an Indian folk dance, which has made me certain of my choice.

Bhangra is a dance of happiness; a display of energy, grace, and power all unified under a central state of unadulterated enjoyment. One of the first things you learn as a Bhangra dancer is that if you are performing, you must be smiling. It indicates that you are happy with what you are doing and you are exactly where you want to be. I was not the most talented dancer, but I never needed to be told to smile. When I first witnessed a Bhangra performance, I grinned instinctively. I felt the energy. I wanted to be a part of it. While I failed to make the team during my freshman year, I was still lauded for smiling without being told to. And when I eventually danced Bhangra for three years, from the humid practice rooms in Miami all the way to national competitions in California and Washington D.C., I smiled all the while.

Bhangra was not without its difficulties, however. Although I made the team my sophomore year, I was only added as an alternate. I was more akin to an insurance plan, added in case someone else was not able to perform. While everyone else on the team was given the chance to present their efforts on the stage through competitions and other performances, I was relegated to working behind the curtain, with no promise of the same opportunity. Even with my misgivings with these limited opportunities to perform I could not doubt that the dance brought me intrinsic fulfillment, so I pressed on. I learned the numerous Bhangra steps, their uses, and which segments of the performance called for which moves. Despite my efforts to improve, I would have to wait until the next year to perform on stage.

Due to my experience, I was suddenly thrust into a starting position my junior year. Moreover, I was able to help mentor the new members in everything I had spent so many hours perfecting the year prior. Not only was I finally allotted the opportunity to perform on stage with the team, I was an integral part of a team that went to places it had never been. The team performed at its first ever national competition during my junior year and garnered its highest achievement yet during my senior year by placing 3rd at the oldest and one of the most prestigious competitions in the country. I had progressed from an individual incapable of making the team to someone who served as both a senior mentor to a nationally recognized team of peers and an example of what was possible through disciplined persistence.

Surprisingly, these external performances and acknowledgements of my skills that I had craved felt hollow in the face of the intrinsically rewarding nature of learning, applying, and mentoring a craft I was passionate about. The improvement of my abilities and progress of my peers brought more happiness than any of the awards I received during my years spent dancing and I realized extrinsic recognition was only a bonus to feeling successful and fulfilled when pursuing my passions.

Sitting in the courthouse, I find myself in a familiar position. I’m finding the same intrinsic happiness every day I learn and apply more about the legal process. During my time here, I have had discussions with jurists, prosecutors, public defenders, and private attorneys, each of whom offer the same general warning: work in the legal field requires constant vigilance and perseverance in spite of sometimes thankless effort. In these moments of warning, I am reminded of my time spent practicing on the sidelines of the stage and I realize that not only am I comfortable with this reality, I look forward to it. Dancing in college taught me that any possible lack of extrinsic success is trumped by the intrinsic prosperity that comes from determined improvement and dedicated study in an area I am passionate in. Sitting beside the judge watching purveyors of the law in action, I feel the same way that I did when I watched Bhangra. I can feel their passion. I want to be a part of it. And though I try to hide it, I sometimes catch myself smiling.

[Anonymous User]

This is great. I mostly skimmed but I was captured by the first sentence. However, some repetition I would address. But overall, great topic!

Thanks for your kind words. I was very, very negative on this PS to the point of considering scrapping it so you two have helped me feel more confident in it. I've since updated the statement so if you're able, please read it and let me know if I've addressed the repetition you found concerning. Thanks in any case.

[arklaw13]

I would leave the first sentence like you had it at first. That captured my interest. Mentioning working for the judge at first just makes you look like every other applicant.

I really like this PS in general. I would try and trim the beginning and add more meat in the middle, but I thought it was a good read.

[ChemEng1642]

I would leave the first sentence like you had it at first. That captured my interest.

This was my biggest comment. I think starting with the Bhangra line was much better. Also I think you got rid of some sentences in the middle of the passage that were really good (I can't remember which ones right now). If you cut them because of your new intro, I would recommend removing that and putting those sentences back.

Still a very good PS - good luck!