1st Draft. Please critique. Forum

[Anonymous User]

Not sure about the transition from past to present. Please let me know what you think can be added/subtracted.
Length: 643 words, just short of two pages


Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I struggled with the concept of family. Apart from the white picket fence, my mother, father, two years younger brother, and I appeared to be an archetype of the idyllic, modern American family. Dad endured a lengthy commute to the city for his corporate nine-to-five while Mom excelled in her suburban, soccer mom role shuttling around my brother and me in her Ford Windstar van. Despite happily spending many hours together I began to feel like an outsider in my own home. My mother and brother seemed to share a bond stronger than I had with either party, and my father’s lofty expectations, which were only exceeded by his anger and disappointment when not met, created a contentious relationship. This did not match the idea of family that I had developed. Why?

I, losing sleep and gaining only farfetched doubts, was never able to answer. Lacking a connection to my mom and brother my dad’s domineering persona molded me into a solitary perfectionist. As a ten-year-old, I remember receiving the results of a statewide standardized test and interrogating my teacher about why my score report stated that I scored in just the ninety-ninth percentile. I sighed with relief when she assured me it was the highest achievable mark. When I was eleven, the disconnect reached its apex. My soccer team suffered a tough loss, and my dad was not happy with my performance. As I walked off of the pitch, my mom attempted to rescue me from the impending wrath, but with the point of a finger and vitriolic delivery of “you’re riding home with me” my mom and I were rendered powerless. I fixed my gaze toward the sky as I was mercilessly berated during the entire thirty-minute ride home. Sadly, this discipline had become so commonplace that I was numb to it. However, Mom was ready to finally put her foot down. Years of half-hearted threats of separation and “vacations without Dad” gave way to an ultimatum. Start attending family and marriage counseling, or I am leaving with the kids.

Complex and elongated, the healing process began. This marked the first time that my family opened up about everything and started to understand how the others were honestly feeling. My mother, brother, and I were able to quickly discuss our feelings but Dad was not as receptive. The struggles were difficult, yet progress was palpable and a keen eye was able to see that healing was not far away. Nothing in my life has been more impactful than the family bond that has continued to be cultivated as a result of these initial counseling efforts. After years of being acquaintances more so than brothers, at the age of eighteen, I could finally call my brother a friend. Shortly thereafter, my brother became, and has remained, my best friend. A host of personal road bumps fought by each family member have only strengthened our resolve and compassion. Once scared to express my feelings and share them with my family, they are now the first people that I call.

Why, in my younger years, was my family not what I expected? What I expected a family to be could only be attained by hard work and empathy. Four people cannot come together without each of them wanting it to work. While we used to appear to be a happy family, I now believe that we actually are. In addition to the obvious “hard work pays off” mantra, the power of this bond has inspired me to never back down from a challenge or feel like I have to overcome an obstacle on my own. Witnessing the powerful results of both introspection and self-expression, I no longer lament when I find myself in undesirable circumstances. I know my family will be there for me, and I for them.

[ChemEng1642]

Umm.

Please do not use this as your personal statement.

First - your essay doesn't have to be filled with cliches about "why law" but you should at least mention it or even hint at it somewhere. Reading this essay I have no clue why you want to go to law school, or why you would even make a good law student candidate. Questioning your teacher once for a standardized test that you did when you were ten does not at all speak to your capabilities right now.

If you are going to go the "I'm not discussing law at all" route your story has to be damn compelling. And I'm really sorry but a story about an average family in an honestly relatively normal situation does not say much about you or anything for that matter. Being "mercilessly berated" by your parents, marriage counseling, and family tension is all very common. Writing about this makes you sound naive. But more importantly, it doesn't give anyone any unique insight into you, let alone why you should be admitted into law school.

The only upside to this is that I don't see many grammatical errors and the story - while not good for a law school personal statement - flows well. I'm sure you will be able to write a more relevant personal statement for law school.

[Anonymous User]

Thanks for the honesty. I wasn't expecting this to be a homerun by any means. I've been struggling to decide on a topic so I just wanted to get something down and go from there. Could highlighting a more specific element of this story (relationship with dad, the depression it caused me to have) be a better option? The other topic I was contemplating was describing how a past job exposed me to legal issues which interested me. I wasn't sure how this would be taken since I quit the job in question. Is that just me being too worrisome?

[ChemEng1642]

No problem! I think more specifics about you would definitely help but I would be cautious about the depression topic. Unless you can relate it back to your interest in law somehow (overcoming this adversity has led to...?) and can make it clear that depression will not be a factor in your future, I would avoid this topic as well.

I think the past job sounds like a more promising topic - at least you can relate it back to your interest in law. It shouldn't matter that you quit the job. People quit jobs all the time for a variety of reasons.

Good luck!