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Nearing midnight on a rainy Friday evening, my band-mates and I made our way across a muddy basement floor of a row-home in North Philadelphia to a last minute, makeshift stage. It was the first show my band would be performing of the second semester of my senior year of college, a night one may be eager to label as bittersweet. Yet, with each step closer to the stage, the looming lugubriousness of the thought of our inevitable disbandment after graduation had gradually dissipated—something incomprehensible to myself during that moment.
Once on stage, I looked up from the equipment I had put into place before we were to begin playing and set my eyes toward the crowd of twenty-something’s that had been willing to lend us their ears. Only then, upon making eye contact with this crowd, did I come to understand why I felt at peace in a seemingly somber moment. Although this performance as a band was the beginning of an end, I had realized my burning desire to learn, create, and perform—all of which I had done for the past ten years through music—would not fade away with the semester. In fact these traits had been dispersed in many areas of my life—most notably through a newfound love of academics.




So, this is a complete rough draft of an introduction to my statement. The thesis is pretty much how learning an instrument opened up doors for me academically, for various reasons. Anyway, I'm pretty confused as to where to take this from here. I spent all night thinking about it while reading over other personal statements people online have posted.

I was thinking about reverting to my past for the next paragraph, giving a short 3-4 sentence blurb on how I was never really good at school before I got involved in music...but all of this will be bringing up things that happened before college, which I know you shouldn't really bring up. I'm planning on running with the idea of "learning, creating, and performing", and using that to highlight some personal achievements in college (particularly research I authored), as well as an introduction as to why I would be a great law school candidate and probably conclude from there.

So, in short, I really need help filling out the middle here. If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it!!!!

Westofeden wrote:Nearing midnight on a rainy Friday evening, my band-mates and I made our way across a muddy basement floor of a row-home in North Philadelphia to a last minute, makeshift stage. It was the first show my band would be performing of the second semester of my senior year of college, a night one may be eager to label as bittersweet. Yet, with each step closer to the stage, the looming lugubriousness of the thought of our inevitable disbandment after graduation had gradually dissipated—something incomprehensible to myself during that moment.
Once on stage, I looked up from the equipment I had put into place before we were to begin playing and set my eyes toward the crowd of twenty-something’s that had been willing to lend us their ears. Only then, upon making eye contact with this crowd, did I come to understand why I felt at peace in a seemingly somber moment. Although this performance as a band was the beginning of an end, I had realized my burning desire to learn, create, and perform—all of which I had done for the past ten years through music—would not fade away with the semester. In fact these traits had been dispersed in many areas of my life—most notably through a newfound love of academics.




So, this is a complete rough draft of an introduction to my statement. The thesis is pretty much how learning an instrument opened up doors for me academically, for various reasons. Anyway, I'm pretty confused as to where to take this from here. I spent all night thinking about it while reading over other personal statements people online have posted.

I was thinking about reverting to my past for the next paragraph, giving a short 3-4 sentence blurb on how I was never really good at school before I got involved in music...but all of this will be bringing up things that happened before college, which I know you shouldn't really bring up. I'm planning on running with the idea of "learning, creating, and performing", and using that to highlight some personal achievements in college (particularly research I authored), as well as an introduction as to why I would be a great law school candidate and probably conclude from there.

So, in short, I really need help filling out the middle here. If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it!!!!

My two cents:

I am far from an PS expert but I honestly don't like it. You make it sound like you have just discovered your love for academics (which to me this sounds corny) in the last year of college. So you didn't like school the previous years? Also, what do academics have to do with law school? You like the academic rigor of your major? Go do a Ph.D. then. I am not saying that you should, but that's what I would be thinking if I read this.

I would honestly start from scratch, the whole learning an instrument and opening academic doors just doesn't seem to do it.

Word, I appreciate the feedback. I was thinking it would start sounding corny if I went any further. I'm definitely not opposed to starting from scratch; however, I'm thinking the overall theme of tying music into something would highlight myself better than anything else. Fortunately, I never had any hardships outside of academics- but, this limits what I can talk about.

I actually like the topic itself - I think it is definitely possible to do a great personal statement about how your love for music shaped your love for academics (more specifically - hopefully - related to the law or characteristics associated with practicing law).

I agree with Godric though that I'm not a big fan of this approach. It makes it seem like music was your first choice but then when you realized you wouldn't be able to do it after graduating you THEN picked academics as your second choice. I think the current intro can be modified to imply that you had come to terms with your "disbandment" because it helped you develop a love for "academics" which you can then discuss in the rest of the PS.

I would also be careful about using phrases like this:

Westofeden wrote:the looming lugubriousness of the thought of our inevitable disbandment

because unless you speak like this in real life it sounds like you are trying to make the sentence unnecessarily complicated.

One hint re descriptive writing: keep it simple. You're using big words and complicated constructions. This distracts from the scene you're creating. You'll have one sentence devoted to imagery that isn't as effective as it could be because of its overall clunkiness, and then you'll have the next sentence be about some inner thought.

Nearing midnight on a rainy Friday evening, my band-mates and I made our way across a muddy basement floor of a row-home in North Philadelphia to a last minute, makeshift stage. It was the first show my band would be performing of the second semester of my senior year of college, a night one may be eager to label as bittersweet.

This is an example of above.

Yet, with each step closer to the stage, the looming lugubriousness of the thought of our inevitable disbandment after graduation had gradually dissipated—something incomprehensible to myself during that moment.

This is just clunky on multiple levels. You're saying something is changing but you're not realizing it. Well, that's a complex idea. How do you convey that to the reader? Would you even want to convey that to the reader?

I'd recommend the following: (1) delete the word "had" (2) try to stick to what can be described perhaps simply what you experienced in the moment. This is trying too hard and (3) stop switching perspectives so much.

a night one may be eager to label as bittersweet

This is just really weird. This precedes the sentence I've been looking at... and it's a projection of a third-person commentary on something we haven't read yet. "Wtf"


I'm not saying this writing is just bad--I think it's objectively bad. Fortunately, you're not submitting this version. Your instinct (starting with a scene) is really good. This certainly has potential, but connecting it with law school will be a challenge. I like the idea of connecting learning an instrument with studying law, but you'll want to demonstrate that things normally associated with studying law (rigor comes to mind) also apply to learning an instrument. I would forget about this intro and try to write the rest of your PS. Come back for the intro afterward. It may be more appropriate to use a scene when you were at some sort of competition.

ChemEng1642 wrote:I actually like the topic itself - I think it is definitely possible to do a great personal statement about how your love for music shaped your love for academics (more specifically - hopefully - related to the law or characteristics associated with practicing law).

I agree with Godric though that I'm not a big fan of this approach. It makes it seem like music was your first choice but then when you realized you wouldn't be able to do it after graduating you THEN picked academics as your second choice. I think the current intro can be modified to imply that you had come to terms with your "disbandment" because it helped you develop a love for "academics" which you can then discuss in the rest of the PS.

I would also be careful about using phrases like this:

Westofeden wrote:the looming lugubriousness of the thought of our inevitable disbandment

because unless you speak like this in real life it sounds like you are trying to make the sentence unnecessarily complicated.

Thanks for the feedback as well. What you are saying is actually what I sought to do. You're right, a few modified sentences can probably establish what I want. I really want to open with that short story , because it sets a certain mood I like. At the same time, though, it might be inhibiting me to make a good jump to how music helped me "open my eyes" and pursue interests in academics- which really took off at the beginning of college. Somehow, I would have to make a backwards jump...if that makes sense.


I had someone else read over my PS and they said the same thing about that phrase. Of course I don't talk like that in real life! if I wrote how I actually spoke, I probably wouldn't have even gotten into a college haha. When I write, I try to make it as descriptive and visual as possible, but I recognize this might be overkill for a PS.

AnonymousAlterEgoC wrote:One hint re descriptive writing: keep it simple. You're using big words and complicated constructions. This distracts from the scene you're creating. You'll have one sentence devoted to imagery that isn't as effective as it could be because of its overall clunkiness, and then you'll have the next sentence be about some inner thought.

Nearing midnight on a rainy Friday evening, my band-mates and I made our way across a muddy basement floor of a row-home in North Philadelphia to a last minute, makeshift stage. It was the first show my band would be performing of the second semester of my senior year of college, a night one may be eager to label as bittersweet.

This is an example of above.

Yet, with each step closer to the stage, the looming lugubriousness of the thought of our inevitable disbandment after graduation had gradually dissipated—something incomprehensible to myself during that moment.

This is just clunky on multiple levels. You're saying something is changing but you're not realizing it. Well, that's a complex idea. How do you convey that to the reader? Would you even want to convey that to the reader?

I'd recommend the following: (1) delete the word "had" (2) try to stick to what can be described perhaps simply what you experienced in the moment. This is trying too hard and (3) stop switching perspectives so much.

a night one may be eager to label as bittersweet

This is just really weird. This precedes the sentence I've been looking at... and it's a projection of a third-person commentary on something we haven't read yet. "Wtf"


I'm not saying this writing is just bad--I think it's objectively bad. Fortunately, you're not submitting this version. Your instinct (starting with a scene) is really good. This certainly has potential, but connecting it with law school will be a challenge. I like the idea of connecting learning an instrument with studying law, but you'll want to demonstrate that things normally associated with studying law (rigor comes to mind) also apply to learning an instrument. I would forget about this intro and try to write the rest of your PS. Come back for the intro afterward. It may be more appropriate to use a scene when you were at some sort of competition.

Fair points, thanks. I'm not so sure I agree with you about the perspective shifts, though. I'll take your advice and mess around with it, but I sometimes feel not switching perspectives is too formal and I get lost in dullness. I think rigor in learning/practicing an instrument can mirror rigor in learning the law- both involve approaching something in a new type of way. I'm assuming I can use that to my advantage because I have "experience" in learning objectively challenging concepts. I would also like to tie in the idea of creation and performance by highlighting similarities between creating/interpreting music in a certain way + what it takes to perform it to the law.

I'm also going to highlight how I've already done these things in undergrad- especially through my research (which contains all three of those concepts I just talked about). I'm starting to recognize I'm taking on a pretty abstract concept to use for my PS. This will definitely take a lot of thinking but I'm determined to make it work.

[quote=...but all of this will be bringing up things that happened before college, which I know you shouldn't really bring up. [/quote]

You can bring up things in a personal statement that happened before college, lots of people write about their upbringing (growing up in a rough area, lifelong passions that started in childhood, etc.). I actually think making the connection between learning music as a child and improving academically would be positive. As someone above mentioned you want to avoid the impression that you just began liking school as a senior in college. Hope it all turns out well for you!

Westofeden wrote: Thanks for the feedback as well. What you are saying is actually what I sought to do. You're right, a few modified sentences can probably establish what I want. I really want to open with that short story , because it sets a certain mood I like. At the same time, though, it might be inhibiting me to make a good jump to how music helped me "open my eyes" and pursue interests in academics- which really took off at the beginning of college. Somehow, I would have to make a backwards jump...if that makes sense.


I had someone else read over my PS and they said the same thing about that phrase. Of course I don't talk like that in real life! if I wrote how I actually spoke, I probably wouldn't have even gotten into a college haha. When I write, I try to make it as descriptive and visual as possible, but I recognize this might be overkill for a PS.

I think it's completely reasonable to open with a short story - just make sure it is actually short so you can focus on the meat of your essay which should be how your love for music led to your love of academics. I even like your transition of "I accept that this is coming to an end because it has led to something else I am passionate about". Just make sure you are not implying that this is a recent development but rather something that - at the point that the short story is happening - is already well developed.

You can be descriptive - just make sure it sounds natural! I would even go as far as to say that sounding more like your "normal speak" is better than sounding fake and unrealistic. But I suppose a good way to get the right balance of descriptive but not too much is to have other people read it and see if it sounds natural to them so you are on the right track!

Also - if you haven't finished your PS already - I would strongly recommend making an outline. It will help focus your thoughts so your PS is written with the correct purpose.