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bumping for feedback, would like to know if I'm on the right track or to scrap this idea as well..

sesto elemento wrote:

kwabbs wrote: scrap this idea as well..

Pretty much this. Detailing your not-that-unusual experience in first grade is not the way to go.

My 2 cents:

I think there is some potential here, but that you're going about it in the wrong way. I agree that you are putting a little too much emphasis on something that happened in the first grade. However, it sounds like it was something that you did all throughout elementary school, which should be emphasized more. Also, the lesson of 'it taught me to work hard' is a little bland. If you stick with it, I would go with a theme of facing uncertainty. As a kid you fought through uncertain communication with your peers but persevered, when you got sick you were uncertain about your situation but persevered, and now you face the uncertain world of graduation, and you will persevere and succeed in law school. The immersion program is an anecdote; that shouldn't be what the statement is all about. Make it about a theme, like dealing with uncertainty.

Other minor things too: there is some significant phrasing work that needs to be done, and I'm not a huge fan of putting your GPA in the personal statement.

Is it a reach as a topic? Maybe. But there is at least some potential there if you explore it in the right way.

kwabbs,

I just breezed over it. I like it, it's interesting and upbeat.

ugh.. I thank you for your honesty but am just getting more and more discouraged the more I try to come up with something. The PS is making more stressed out than the LSAT.


Thank you february1, I appreciate the realistic advice and will try to just focus on a general theme throughout, see if there's any way of saving this one since I am just about out of ideas.. I strongly dislike talking about myself, I am extremely humble and am having a hard time selling myself I guess.

kwabbs wrote:ugh.. I thank you for your honesty but am just getting more and more discouraged the more I try to come up with something. The PS is making more stressed out than the LSAT.


Thank you february1, I appreciate the realistic advice and will try to just focus on a general theme throughout, see if there's any way of saving this one since I am just about out of ideas.. I strongly dislike talking about myself, I am extremely humble and am having a hard time selling myself I guess.

Don't get discouraged - loads of people go through a ton of ideas and essays before hitting on the one that they finally stick with. Writing about yourself is hard, and takes some time to get right.

Comments on this particular attempt: You're doing this 'cold opening' thing that 90% of the lower tier of applicants do, and it gives you away immediately as writing a by-the-numbers personal statement. It's such a cliche at this point that your opening paragraph almost reads as a parody, and I don't say that to be unkind, it's just important to recognize that it is no longer an interesting or original technique to use. I can't imagine how many PSs the adcomms get that start something like this:

genericPSauthor wrote:"You're the best teacher I ever had, Miss Saccharine!" The Hispanic youth's eyes shone up at me through the puffy bruises his abusive parents gave him every night. I tousled his hair in an entirely non-patronizing way and sighed. How could I ever leave this job that meant so much to me? Easy: for the chance at 160K a year.
[Paragraph change and now reflective tone] I'd began my Teach for America job full of enthusiasm and blah blah blah blah blah

You see what I mean?

I actually think the topic is on the right track. 1st grade is definitely exploring too far back, but trying to draw a parallel between an experience you have had, that defines you, and what you hope Law School will be is a good move.

Keep working on it!

I agree with the other posters that this topic is too far in the past to make an effective statement now. You can intro with the story about the past but there needs to be more emphasis on what is happening more recently in your life.

Also, is this also supposed to function as an addendum for time off in college/switching colleges as well? If I were you, I would save the illness for a separate addendum or draw it out more to make it clear that this is something you genuinely struggled with and overcame. I thinking mentioning it and then more or less glossing over it leaves it open to interpretation that it may affect you again in the future. Only you know what your illness is so take this with grain of salt but overcoming your illness may be a topic you can discuss in your personal statement if you cannot think of anything else.

Good luck and I'm sure in the end you will have a great personal statement!

The first paragraph captured me. Lots of potential.. Then it drags on yet it's very short at the same time. Perhaps less first grade emphasis, more of a stronger main point. But I love the start and feel. I could picture it vividly. I wouldn't repeat the red hair freckled girl because it captures me in the first paragraph then feels like you repeated a good punchline in the end, weakening its initial impact.