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Experience as Gay Veteran: Very First draft PS. Pls Be Frank
Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2014 10:59 am
by Alhe5015
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Re: Experience as Gay Veteran: Very First draft PS. Pls Be Frank
Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2014 7:59 pm
by Skool
I think it's good and interesting. However, your last paragraph makes an analogy between your role as a network specialist and a lawyer in that they both are troubleshooting. That was an inartful parallel (but not necessarily untrue) and came off a little cheesy.
Other than that, I think it hit a lot of good notes.
Re: Experience as Gay Veteran: Very First draft PS. Pls Be Frank
Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2014 8:26 pm
by Fed_Atty
Standing in front of a board composed of nine of the highest ranking enlisted officers
This is awkward, why not say non-commissioned officers or simply senior enlisted personnel?
Did you really salute a bunch of NCOs? Is this normal in the Army? Then you just left without being dismissed. If any of the Adcoms have military experience, this could hurt you.
Re: Experience as Gay Veteran: Very First draft PS. Pls Be Frank
Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2014 9:01 pm
by Clemenceau
Great PS
However, I suggest eliminating some of the flowery language in the first few paragraphs. It's distracting and adds nothing (see: subtracts) from the rest of your PS.