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Try to tighten up your message. Your theme gets a bit boring due to use of too many words to convey your thoughts. Your goal should be to write in a crisp, clear & concise manner. Select words that best share your message; do not use words that are designed to impress readers by their rarity & complexity.

CanadianWolf wrote:Try to tighten up your message. Your theme gets a bit boring due to use of too many words to convey your thoughts. Your goal should be to write in a crisp, clear & concise manner. Select words that best share your message; do not use words that are designed to impress readers by their rarity & complexity.

Thanks for the advice. I do tend to get too wordy. Do you any particular thoughts on the second paragraph? I frankly want to cut it, but others have told me not to.

Why delete your best work ?

CanadianWolf wrote:Why delete your best work ?

Thanks for the compliment. I am unable to put my finger on it, but it seems like its missing something or just tired of reading it so much.

Bump. If I could get some more feedback, I would really appreciate it. Also, I am trying to get a version of 500 words or less, right not it is sitting around 730ish.

Thanks!

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Anonymous User wrote:x

This is not good, and you're not on the right track. You change topics abruptly, and the several different topics fail to coalesce. You use too many words to describe simple ideas.

As I stood on that podium cautiously examining my notes, I looked down at my watch to see it read 2:55 p.m.; at that moment a strong palpitation grasped my chest reminding me that in the next five minutes I would be defending my master’s thesis. To a certain point this public defense was a formality since I had diligently worked with my committee for the past seven months. Nonetheless, the presentation still caused anxiety due to the fact that this was the last obstacle I would face before getting the opportunity to continue onto the next facet of my life. Despite this apprehension, for the next hour I presented my thesis and took questions from my committee; after a brief deliberation, my concerns were put to rest when Dr. [X] congratulated me and informed that the committee had passed me.

Kill it with fire. After this paragraph, you don't really transition. This is true both in fact and meaning. Your transitional topic sentence of P2 fails to mention your defense. Quite obviously, you're trying to escape devoting more words to it because... it's not that impressive. It's really not. Primarily, I don't see what it's "doing" as far as your PS. You get away from it and do not return.

You establish a pattern. P1 doesn't relate to P2. P2 doesn't relate to P3. P3 and P4 relate, but they're a (emphasis) DIVERSITY STATEMENT.

Sometimes, I read a PS and see a resume. In your case, I see a CV. A PS is not a CV. You're failing at the fundamental task of informing the readers of your PS of who you are.

My honest takeaways from this (just so you can see where you're lacking):
-I defended an MA thesis
-I taught S as a SL
-LIT IS GREAT/political language
-Critical race theory
-[paragraph about a school]

This is one of those "resume PSs" except it's a CV PS. At any rate, get rid of the first paragraph. Find some theme. Try to show more of your personality rather than what fits on your CV.

Thanks for the feedback, I'll continue to work on it.