Critique VERY ROUGH 1st Draft of PS - Keep or Start Over? Forum

[canuckabroad]

Done, thanks.

[canuckabroad]

Anyone?

[thequigley]

In drafting my PS, I just decided to go ahead and write about my life instead of sitting around brainstorming, so I'm not offended if you just say scrap the whole thing and write something else. That being said, I already know a few things and would appreciate if you could provide different insight: It is too long, the story is too detailed in comparison to the short connection to law school, it combines multiple stories likely not seamlessly enough.

My initial thought is to keep the first and last parts (obviously with significant changes), and put a different story with the same sort of idea in the middle (I had a few ideas for which experience to use).

I am applying to T14 schools, if that makes a difference (170 + 4.03). Think of this more as a brainstorm draft - I haven't looked over for spelling/word choice so that isn't really the critique I'm looking for at this point. I would love a critique of ideas, suggestions on how to shorten it, and an overall keep/restart recommendation.

Thanks.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________
It has been said that when you face death, your life flashes before your eyes. There may be some truth in this, though I believe that this flash includes what your life could be as well. I vividly remember the speed I gained as my skates cut the ice, the way my eyes fixated on the puck, like a hawk swooping in for a kill. I can still feel the check, the subsequent collision with the boards, and the searing pain. I remember the doctor’s words, and the urgency with which he spoke them. Internal bleeding. Lacerated spleen. Lung irritation. During these moments, my mind wasn’t composed enough to deliver the divinatory flash I had been promised, this came later, over days and weeks, as I grew accustomed to the confines of a hospital bed, shackled by the food and oxygen tubes that were sustaining me. It was in these moments that I first decided I wanted to do something extraordinary with the second chance I had been given.
I wasn’t sure what that something extraordinary was, so I decided upon somewhere extraordinary instead. I moved to Spain to learn, to travel, and to expand my understanding of the world I lived in. My search for the extraordinary took me to Morocco on spring break, into the walled city of Fes, and into a culture like nothing I had ever experienced. Our first day in the city, my companion and I ventured into the maze of walls, not knowing how difficult it would truly be to navigate once inside. Everything inside the city was unnerving for a small town kid from Canada; the language, the people, the food, the smells. We were approached by a man named Abdul, who offered us a tour of his city. Hopelessly lost and too afraid to refuse, we joined Abdul on a journey through the alleyways of Fes, to a small door in a shadowy passage, a door he claimed led inside his home. My companion and I shared a petrified glance. I was terrified. I was positive this was how I was going to die. With nowhere to turn, we hoped for the best, and followed Abdul through the door.
We were instantly greeted by stunning architecture, a home with walls crafted with Moroccan Zellige, phenomenal archways, and exquisite white stone. On the couch, two small children played while an older man yelled at the football match displayed on the 1970’s tube television across the room. Abdul introduced us to his family, served us tea, and explained some of the cultural significance of the construction of their home, or Dar, as it is traditionally referred to in North Africa. He explained to us his desire to share his culture and the story of his people with visitors, which is why he had approached us. Shorty after, Abdul’s brother entered, and the two offered to show us more of their city, an offer we now swiftly accepted.
As we wandered through the streets, the leather tanneries, herb and spice shops, and rug dealers, we made our way up through an amalgamation of buildings to a hilltop view of the city. As we sat with Abdul and his brother, overlooking the walled city below, I reflected on the day’s incredible experiences, which I would have missed had I not overcome my inhibitions and learned of his intent to share his culture with me. I truly realized that everyone has a story and a unique mission in life, and that I wanted to do something that allowed me to learn these stories, and help the people these stories belonged to.
When I returned to Canada, my something extraordinary I had been seeking became a business, a web startup specializing in attorney marketing. The question I most frequently get when I tell people I am seeking admission to law school is not why I want to practice law, those who know me know it has been in my long term plans all along. They instead question why I would want to leave a promising startup, a potential career, to go to school and learn a different craft. I recognize that my company has the potential to become something truly extraordinary, and it still may, but not with me at the helm. As much as I have enjoyed helping attorneys help people, showing them how to connect with clients in new ways, I need to know those client’s stories, their unique needs and desires, so that I can do all I can to help them. As a generation of lawyers is set to retire, and a generation of clients is set to pass the torch on too, the legal industry needs people who recognize how the landscape is shifting, who understand how people are connecting with lawyers, and who are willing to do whatever it takes to ensure the industry shifts with the culture and remains accessible to clients with all kinds of stories. I want to go into law because I want to do something extraordinary, and because I believe the best way I can do this is by becoming an attorney. I feel that becoming a lawyer combines my desire to help individuals with my professional experience, and for this reason, I am an exceptional candidate for law school.

I like the beginning and the end. Not sure how your spring break was more of an eye-opener than a near-death experience.

[thequigley]

I mean...the rest is descriptive? Is that what you were going for?

[thequigley]

I mean...the rest is descriptive? Is that what you were going for?

I was in the hospital bed, then I was in Abdul's room.