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First Draft what do you think?

Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2014 12:39 pm
by Anonymous User
When I searched for advice on Google on how to write the best law school admissions essay, I found an exceedingly large number of suggestions. Some people advise to be personal without being too personal, to give information without giving too much information. Others implore you to write about the diversity you offer, or the economic hardships you have overcome. Well, I am a Caucasian male, raised in the upper middle class in the Deep South. I am not the poster child for hardship or diversity. So I am going to tell you the only meaningful story I have to tell. I don’t follow the advice of the self-proclaimed experts, and I certainly do not enjoy telling this story. However, I am expected to embark on the fool’s errand of painting the picture of who I am as a person in a two-page essay. If I am truly going to give you the best insight into how I think, this is the only sincere essay I can write.
Although family is the most important aspect of my life now, it has not always been that way. Throughout high school, what mattered to me was myself. My problems were important. If my mother asked me to take out the garbage, I preferred to complain and whine rather than to just help her out. Even my first year in college, I was more concerned about going out with my friends than any of the problems my family might have been having. The hard exam tomorrow seemed like the end of the world. I was selfish and not well grounded.
My life changed when my younger brother started having seizures. It started innocuously enough with him dropping his fork at the dinner table for seemingly no reason. At first my family thought he was trying to be funny, and I thought he was faking for attention. Within a few months though, cuts, bruises and bloody noses from violent grand mal seizures were the norm. Weeks later, my dad was diagnosed with a very rare type of t-cell lymphoma. Even the specialty t-cell lymphoma doctors at Sloan Kettering in New York City had never seen anything like it. After a few rounds of radiation and chemotherapy, my mom and dad went to New York for a bone marrow transplant. My father’s weakened immune system would prevent them from travelling home for several months.
While my parents were in New York, I was left alone with my brother. As the stress of my dad’s illness mounted, the frequency of his seizures increased substantially. At its worst, I’d find him convulsing on the porch every week, rather than every couple months. Obviously I’d previously been involved with taking care of my brother, but up until that point I had never been the primary caregiver. With my parents 1200 miles away, I didn’t have anyone to fall back on.
When you are calling 9-1-1, hoping that your brother will start breathing again, with no parents to fall back on, suddenly that Labor Economics exam tomorrow morning doesn’t seem stress worthy. Whatever you were fighting about a year ago doesn’t either. Certainly what your friends are doing this weekend seems trivial. This new perspective has been immensely valuable to me. While I would never choose for my dad or brother to be sick, the experience has changed my outlook on life in a positive way. I’ve found myself not sweating the small things. If I prepare well for a test, there is no reason to stress. In the end it is just one test. I’ve also noticed that over the past few years my family has become more accommodating toward each other. We all seem to be concerned about each other first. We even enjoy each other’s company. I never would have seen that coming.
As I move forward, I will not forget the lessons I have learned over the past years. I know what is worth stressing about. I know where my priorities are. I know what’s important to me as a person. Law school will be filled with new challenges and roadblocks that I will have to overcome. But I want to go to law school. I have found the law classed I taken to be fascinating, and I think my past academic achievements indicate I will be successful in law school. Whatever the challenges I face in the coming years, I will be able to handle them with a newfound perspective that will allow me to prosper regardless of the circumstances.

Re: First Draft what do you think?

Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2014 8:01 pm
by Anonymous User
No one?

Re: First Draft what do you think?

Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2014 6:29 pm
by oshberg28
I have no meaningful suggestions other than this: scrap that entire first paragraph. It's simply not needed and adds nothing to the PS. With the limited amount of space you have available for your PS, don't waste an entire paragraph on explaining why you are writing your PS.

Re: First Draft what do you think?

Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2014 6:36 pm
by dc91
oshberg28 wrote:I have no meaningful suggestions other than this: scrap that entire first paragraph. It's simply not needed and adds nothing to the PS. With the limited amount of space you have available for your PS, don't waste an entire paragraph on explaining why you are writing your PS.
seconded.

Re: First Draft what do you think?

Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2014 11:42 am
by TLSanders
Anonymous User wrote:No one?

Agree.

And you definitely don't want to announce that there's only one meaningful story in your life.

Re: First Draft what do you think?

Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2014 12:36 pm
by lastsamurai
Aside from the first paragraph, this was a nice and straightforward PS, but I do think your story could be told in a more compelling way. It's all so direct that it doesn't really pull the reader in. Also the tie to law school at the end was a little weak. I'd try another draft of that final paragraph

Re: First Draft what do you think?

Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2014 3:49 pm
by rstahl
It comes across as if it took very serious medical conditions to make it so you could tolerate your family. Not the takeaway you want by any means. I come from a white, middle class family with no great hardship either. So I wrote about why I chose law and what characteristics I have that would make me a successful law student and lawyer. As a result of the opening paragraph, your PS kind of sounds like a complaint that you don't have more diversity to complain about.

Re: First Draft what do you think?

Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2014 3:53 pm
by rinkrat19
I would actually scrap the first TWO paragraphs. The first one is really unnecessary, and the second one doesn't paint you in a very nice light--plus it's boring. Starting with the third paragraph grabs the reader and drags them right into your story.

Re: First Draft what do you think?

Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2014 4:10 pm
by HRomanus
I would condense the third paragraph about the details of your brother's and father's medical conditions into one or two concise sentences. For your purposes here, it only matters that the conditions existed. Expand on the fourth paragraph and reveal more about how you responded to the conditions - that's the interesting part and the one that really displays your character. Scrap the last paragraph and add a conclusion that ties the narrative into a strong statement of your character. The connection to law school is tenuous at best here and should be eliminated.

As much as I like the narrative, what do you think it reveals about your character? "Not sweating the small things" is a horrible mantra for a prospective lawyer. The narrative is such a great foundation to talk about your perseverance, leadership, and maturity. None of that is fully fleshed out here.