Personal statement rough draft, please review Forum

[Anonymous User]

Deleted, thanks for the tips guys.

[lawschool2014hopeful]

Interesting story

#1) Your introduction is just weird (clay and potter), I dont quite see the connection to your story at all, other than you writing something silly because is creative.
#2) I always find distasteful when people claim they are highly intelligent lol. You liked academics sure.
#3) Extremely wordy through, once you have a built a strong image of what you were, no need to keep referring back to the samething
#4) You mentioned your social inability twice
#5) Your realization of being normal could be more dramatic/made more important
#6) I wouldnt mention had women, comes across sexist
#7) Why do you want to advocate for people, doesnt seem to jump out at me with what you wrote so far
#8) Get rid of your clay all together, it doesnt make sense in the beginning nor at the end.

[mach9zero]

I hate it as a personal statement.

First, don't ever start with a quote, unless you're entire PS forms around that quote. And even then, don't. Yours doesn't, it's banal, platitudinous, or hackneyed - like three adjectives meaning the same thing. Get rid of it.

Second, you cast yourself in a negative weird light throughout the entire narrative. The attempts you made to remedy your social awkwardness come off immature. Unless you're defending Pedro of South of the Border, you shouldn't include wearing a sombrero or learning how to small talk your Junior year of college. Becoming a lawyer goes way beyond small talk and from this PS, I don't think you're ready or dedicated enough to commit to law school.

Finally, ls2014 covered you're Why Law paragraph well. It doesn't tie into anything you've done. Don't you think everybody says "I want to advocate for people." Of course they do, few people write "I want to make a shit ton of money, work in a big firm supporting Phillip Morris and Monsanto." Your GPA/LSAT should show you're intelligent - don't explicitly say that to the committee, it's tactless.

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[TLSanders]

If you're going to stick with this topic (which I'm iffy about), everything before "Slowly" near the end of the essay should be reduced to a single paragraph. Then, what unfolded from the experience of interacting with people and stepping outside your comfort zone should be expanded in a way that illustrates characteristics that will make you an asset to the law school and the practice of law.

It is possible that you could create a strong personal statement from that topic, but you have only a starting kernel here, and the vast majority of the content about your early life needs to be tossed out completely.