Draft of the personal statement. Would you kindly remark?
Posted: Fri Feb 28, 2014 8:24 am
Thanks for the help everyone.
I think what you have is a unique statement but there were few flags in your writing that you should avoid.
Not blaming your secretary just because she is meticulous is not a message you want to get across. Will you shift your responsibilities to others who are more vulnerable targets?
The fact you can "smell" arrogance, or "infuriated" by people who are simply trying to maximize their profit by giving you a cut seems to demonstrate a sense of arrogance, that you are trying to show yourself you are somehow morally perfect. Be more humble and understanding. You understood their tactics, but turned it down.
I get the contrast you are trying to create with the 3pm to 2pm meeting. But from an objective point of view, that is just another tactic, rather than $$, he trying to convince you emotionally, make you feel powerful, and how you can "save" hundreds of family.
You would be much better off in recognizing such tactics rather than coming off in a straight immoral/moral distinctions.
Your last paragraph doesnt make sense, at first you said you have influence, then you couldnt help the 3pm? And you need a law degree to help them? I would serious avoid the quotation.
I would avoid the helping route, and more into the intellectual curiosity route, where such conflicts are everywhere and you want to understand them all or something of the sort.