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If someone could please read my draft. I will return the favor. I was frustrated with my initial personal statement and decided to shift from pure reasoning of why I want to be a lawyer to statement that's more about me.

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Hands gripped tightly around the handle of the baseball bat, I was on a mission to break boundaries. Feet and shoulders squared against the plate, I took my chances and swung.

Risks are an essence of my life that have lead me to round bases previously untouched. In high school, I was one of the first and one of the few female umpires for my hometown baseball league to the extent where I wore male umpire gear because my town did not carry equipment for females. During the summer, I worked a boat repair and bait saleswoman for a local fishing shop. I have even held odd summer jobs including selling concessions at a nude beach.

My first semester at Rutgers University – with no prior reporting experience– I stepped into the journalism writing for my freshman year for the college newspaper. Less than a year later, I found myself nudged between two reporters in the packed courtroom pews of the Middlesex County Courthouse. Only an undergraduate sophomore at the time, I was responsible for recording the trial’s unfolding that has left an infinite impact on my generation at Rutgers University in terms of cyber security and social media usage. The editor took a risk on me covering the story earned the newspaper the Associated College Press' Best in Show award.

While ventures in the press inspired my study of journalism, it was not until the summer before my undergraduate senior year that I was took my biggest risk in running for an elected municipal office. Frustrated by the lack of education equity in my town, I ran for the XXX Township Board of Education in hopes of closing the educational gaps that exists in my hometown. Running against nine candidates– three of whom were incumbents– vying for three seats, I reached out to the community that I wished to represent.

While running for office as a 21-year-old is nothing like filleting fish, the skill and precision in doing so reflect someone who pays attention to detail. Getting behind the plate while a 6’3” high school senior swings a bat inches from your head takes courage. Encouraging transparency while developing relationships within the community takes a reporter’s passion. While being able to communicate research and engage the public takes a politician’s drive.

Taking the risk in seeking office was not an easy one but the experience allowed me to serve the public and shape the story of the community. Although I did not win the election, I was able to create an open community dialogue that has amounted to tangible results including renovations to sporting fields and a deeper partnership between municipal leaders and schools to engage students beyond the standard curriculum.

My experiences grant me a fairly unique perspective, which at times I have been able to share with others in a productive way. My life has not been defined by the question of whether or not I can succeed—it has been a question about whether or not I will take a risk; a question about whether or not I can overcome insecurities and self-doubt to confront situations others may stray from. My decision to pursue a career that fulfills my long-standing interest in law is the answer to that question.

Just like the moment the ball met the bat’s barrel, I knew the risk was worth taking.

I read this over quickly.

None of your stories connect with each other, it feels like random things you want to tell people about yourself without any sort of coherent theme/message you are trying to establish. Also, individually, none of the stories you chose are particularly convincing.

For example, to make claims about being frustrated by lack of education equity, you ought to prepare readers for what, with experiences demonstrating such inequity.

You have three metaphors in there that make no sense.

"Running for office not like filleting a fish..." "except, both require attention to detail" - you contradict yourself

Get rid of "– with no prior reporting experience– "

Find your focus for your personal statement. You have two really good stories that would be interesting to put into detail. Here you skim over both of them. Pick one and focus on it, if it's the "running for office," briefly mention your background including journalism or covering that important case, but that's it.

Get rid of the softball stuff entirely.

You have all the right pieces in play, but I'm just not feeling it. I suspect that's because you're not--you're trying to catalog achievements or highlights rather than focusing on the thing you want to illustrate about yourself, and so you're skimming the surface of each piece and tossing in a lot of disconnected chunks.

The at bat intro makes no sense as you move into the rest of the essay; it's a nice attention-catching scene setter IF the next few lines had something to do with that at bat, but they don't--it's more like opening with a quote that's tangentially related but in no way leads into your story.

Dispense with details like the umpire uniforms that don't add anything to the impact of the story and show us a moment or two from inside it.