Personal Statement help request Forum

[benmulford]

I have written 2 1/2 personal statements. This is the one I think has the most promise because it's unique but I'd greatly appreciate some feedback.

I am that guy.
I am the guy that sees every event, good or bad, as a story to be told.
I am the guy who placed 2nd in my high school talent contest my senior year with my yo-yo skills.
I am the guy who graduated high school with a 2.8 GPA and a 1330 SAT score.
I am the guy who enlisted in the Marines with a 99 ASVAB score and chose “Open Contract” as my job choice.
I am the guy trusted with fixing the pay of 4-star Generals (including a Joint Chief) while stationed in Quantico, VA.
I am the guy who volunteered to go to Iraq when stationed at a base that was non-deployable.
I am the guy who can say he was a pay clerk and a gunner while in the Marines.
I am the guy who has driven across the United States in a Pontiac Sunfire with a trailer attached.
I am the guy that has climbed Mt. Fuji and Half-Dome. Mt. Fuji I climbed hung-over with only three hours of sleep. Half-Dome I’ve climbed twice. The first without enough water and I had to make the descent with none. The second time I wore an old pair of sneakers that slid on the “ropes” portion.
I am the guy who turned down a $65,000 tax-free reenlistment bonus to be around to help my sister when she was pregnant, and then help raise my nephew once he was born.
I am the guy allowed to throw my nephew as high as possible in the air because my sister knows “he will always catch him.”
I am the guy who has been awarded 90% of my college credits while working 40+ hours a week.
I am the guy who rose over $500 for Special Olympics Northern California (SONC) for the past two years by participating in the Polar Plunge. I’ve also completed both plunges with my nephew clinging to my side (the Fresno SONC is very loose with the definition of “Polar”).
I am the guy who found his ability for public speaking while working as a manager at a laser tag arena.
I am the guy who realized at 27 that I want to be a judge one day.
I am the guy who has been working 70+ hours a week for the past six months to help make that happen.
That’s where this Personal Statement comes in. I want to go to a school that will help me learn criminal law. I don’t know what kind of law student I will be, but I will be the student that is willing to lend a hand to others, ask as many questions as necessary to understand a subject, and love all the challenges involved even while exhausted by them.
Thank you for reading my personal statement.

[Gooner91]

I think the format is weird, I do not like it. Is it a poem?
Second, a lot of the points you make are not really helpful to your case. This kind of looks like something that would appear on a tacky okcupid profile or something.

No offense.
I think you have some good stories to tell though. Maybe about climbing the mountain or your time in the military?

[ellayo]

I am that girl.
I am the girl who thinks you should rewrite.
I am the girl that prefers a traditional essay over a gimmick.
I am the girl who believes you are using a crutch to hide poor writing.
I am the girl who couldn't make it all the way through this piece.

Sorry. I just couldn't resist. I think you are shooting for a "risky" PS here. The problem is that it is not really clever or well written. Look at example five here: http://www.top-law-schools.com/chapter8.html for a well done example. And I'm still not a big fan of that one. I prefer solid writing to a schtick. Yours reads like a rehashing of your resume at some points, and like you're bragging to your bros over a beer at others.

It sounds like you are a pretty confident guy. Pick one of these stories, and tell us about it.

[benmulford]

Thank you guys for your feedback (ellayo: Ow.). I am not very well versed in academia and your help is greatly appreciated. I've posted another PS that I hope will garner better reviews.

Again, my thanks.

[papercut]

I am that girl.
I am the girl who thinks you should rewrite.
I am the girl that prefers a traditional essay over a gimmick.
I am the girl who believes you are using a crutch to hide poor writing.
I am the girl who couldn't make it all the way through this piece.

Sorry. I just couldn't resist. I think you are shooting for a "risky" PS here. The problem is that it is not really clever or well written. Look at example five here: http://www.top-law-schools.com/chapter8.html for a well done example. And I'm still not a big fan of that one. I prefer solid writing to a schtick. Yours reads like a rehashing of your resume at some points, and like you're bragging to your bros over a beer at others.

It sounds like you are a pretty confident guy. Pick one of these stories, and tell us about it.

hilarious +1

[anubis1911]

I have written 2 1/2 personal statements. This is the one I think has the most promise because it's unique but I'd greatly appreciate some feedback.

I am that guy.
I am the guy that sees every event, good or bad, as a story to be told.
I am the guy who placed 2nd in my high school talent contest my senior year with my yo-yo skills.
I am the guy who graduated high school with a 2.8 GPA and a 1330 SAT score.
I am the guy who enlisted in the Marines with a 99 ASVAB score and chose “Open Contract” as my job choice.
I am the guy trusted with fixing the pay of 4-star Generals (including a Joint Chief) while stationed in Quantico, VA.
I am the guy who volunteered to go to Iraq when stationed at a base that was non-deployable.
I am the guy who can say he was a pay clerk and a gunner while in the Marines.
I am the guy who has driven across the United States in a Pontiac Sunfire with a trailer attached.
I am the guy that has climbed Mt. Fuji and Half-Dome. Mt. Fuji I climbed hung-over with only three hours of sleep. Half-Dome I’ve climbed twice. The first without enough water and I had to make the descent with none. The second time I wore an old pair of sneakers that slid on the “ropes” portion.
I am the guy who turned down a $65,000 tax-free reenlistment bonus to be around to help my sister when she was pregnant, and then help raise my nephew once he was born.
I am the guy allowed to throw my nephew as high as possible in the air because my sister knows “he will always catch him.”
I am the guy who has been awarded 90% of my college credits while working 40+ hours a week.
I am the guy who rose over $500 for Special Olympics Northern California (SONC) for the past two years by participating in the Polar Plunge. I’ve also completed both plunges with my nephew clinging to my side (the Fresno SONC is very loose with the definition of “Polar”).
I am the guy who found his ability for public speaking while working as a manager at a laser tag arena.
I am the guy who realized at 27 that I want to be a judge one day.
I am the guy who has been working 70+ hours a week for the past six months to help make that happen.
That’s where this Personal Statement comes in. I want to go to a school that will help me learn criminal law. I don’t know what kind of law student I will be, but I will be the student that is willing to lend a hand to others, ask as many questions as necessary to understand a subject, and love all the challenges involved even while exhausted by them.
Thank you for reading my personal statement.

WTF is this?! This isn't a personal statement but rather a list. If anything this is an insult to the adcomms. This would lead to your application to either Harvard or St. Mary's to be thrown in the trash and a post card being sent to your house which says "Nice try".

[jselson]

It's probably a bad idea to mention things that would lead an adcomm to believe you are likely to become (if you have not already become) an alcoholic.