PS: requesting blunt and honest critique Forum

[tangerines]

Hi, I wanted to see if anyone would be interested in reading my PS and giving me some feedback! I have pretty thick skin so you can basically wail on it and I'd probably love it. PM if you would like to help!

[papercut]

Just post it here with all of your personal info redacted so other people can learn from your PS too. Don't worry, admissions people are too busy to trawl TLS.

[tangerines]

Er.. ok, so this has somewhat sensitive information so it'll probably be deleted soon, but here goes. It's a little too vague for an anecdote, but out of respect for my friends' privacy, I felt that this was the appropriate choice.
Go to town on this, i beg you.
[del]

[mephistopheles]

came for blunt roll off and subsequent judging. disappointed

[papercut]

You're trying to tell a story. That's the right thing to do. But you're not pulling it off.

There are a bunch of issues with the writing, but the story is the bigger problem.

Your story is terribly vague. I have too many questions about what's going on to be interested. I got half way through your writing without going anywhere, or learning anything about you, aside from what you told me directly.

What I can tell is that this isn't really your story. This is more about your friend Anna, and the person she decided to sue. You seem to be a very minor character.

I primarily focused on internal relations due to what the members deemed as my ability to handle tense situations with a careful balance of rationale and empathy. Coupled with my knack for unintentionally drawing stories and confessions from those around me, I

This is the kind of thing you want to avoid. You're describing yourself directly, instead of letting us infer these characteristics from your story. The empathy bit doesn't quite work with:

I sighed before picking up the call, already knowing the general gist of what the conversation would be about.

You should also be very careful when using metaphors. Is this supposed to be a poker metaphor?

a full stakes table

If it is, there's no such thing as a "full stakes table." "Table stakes" is a thing in poker, but I have no idea how that could fit into your point here.

I think it's going to be transparent to the admissions committee that you're straining to use some minor experience you had with the law to justify why you want to be a lawyer.

Your PS doesn't have to be about why you want to be a lawyer. It just has to let us get to know you as a person. You don't have to mention law, law school, lawyers, court, or anything of the sort.

Scrap this. Give it another go. Make sure you're telling a story where you're the main character.

[tangerines]

Damn, thanks for the honest critique - kinda hit the nail on the head of what I was worried would be the issue, but it's a lot more useful hearing it from someone else. If I were to write a new PS, would you be willing to give it a quick look?

[papercut]

Yeah just post it in the forum and I'll have a look.