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I would not recommend starting with "One lesson I have learned throughout my life is.." It sounds a little high-schoolish. I think that your theme of discipline is a good start and you have the right idea with regard to telling a story about your interaction and experiences with discipline. I agree with cactusflower that your writing can come across as stiff, but I don't think your sentences are unnecessarily complex.

Overall, I would try and rework the structure to make it a little less formulaic and more creative, rather than just chronological point after point once you start your college story. Look at how many of your sentences start with "I" or "my". Don't just tell a story, send a larger message that goes beyond your own experiences as well.

If you'd like I can PM you my GTown 250 for ideas.

GeneralFile(s) wrote:I would not recommend starting with "One lesson I have learned throughout my life is.." It sounds a little high-schoolish. I think that your theme of discipline is a good start and you have the right idea with regard to telling a story about your interaction and experiences with discipline. I agree with cactusflower that your writing can come across as stiff, but I don't think your sentences are unnecessarily complex.

Overall, I would try and rework the structure to make it a little less formulaic and more creative, rather than just chronological point after point once you start your college story. Look at how many of your sentences start with "I" or "my". Don't just tell a story, send a larger message that goes beyond your own experiences as well.

If you'd like I can PM you my GTown 250 for ideas.

thank you both for your input. would you mind messaging me your Gtown 250? I would love some inspiration.

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What if I reword the first one by starting off with "The importance of self-discipline is one of the most important lessons..." stills feel HS-er to me. Blargh.