General: This piece has a very strong theme and is relatively well written. However, some of your phrasing is cliché and nonessential. I think this theme is okay as a personal statement, but you could use it as a diversity statement as lastsamurai mentioned.
Big things:
1) Fix first paragraph. The first paragraph is a little scattered, and it begins with cliché phrasing. “It was a bright fall morning” is almost as bad as "It was a dark and stormy night."
It’s difficult to read that this incident seemed “mostly inconsequential” to you at the time. It leads me to wonder “did this person not have any compassion or humanity prior to finding their sexuality?” To make things more confusing, you claim that this is one the most “vivid” memories of your college career…even though you just mentioned that this incident seemed inconsequential at the time. If it was truly inconsequential at the time, wouldn’t you have immediately forgotten it?
2) Edit the 2nd paragraph. The 2nd paragraph doesn’t flow well. It seems to summarize the rest of your PS, which is very odd given that we’re not even half-way through. Yet, you describe a general overview of your growth - you go from being “depressed and angry” to being a better candidate to law school in no time at all. That’s very jarring to the reader, who presumably wants to know
the details of your transition before reading a summary. I suggest that you edit this paragraph to describe how you were affected by being "closeted," and how you knew you had to change. Doing something like that would transition well into your next paragraph, which describes coming out. Each paragraph should say something unique about your experiences. Save summaries for the end.
You also repeat unique phrases from this paragraph later on in you PS. EX – “immeasurably stronger person” “fear of rejection.” Those repetitions only add to the “summary- esk” nature of this paragraph.
Small things:
1)Don’t use “fragile mental state.” It’s a bit melodramatic.
2) Smooth your transitions. The 5th paragraph looks like an “accomplishment” paragraph in that you explicitly talk about how being president makes you a good candidate for law school. Yes, it does seem "forced." This paragraph seems a little disjointed because you don’t revisit your previous themes – being honest with yourself, overcoming your insecurities, etc. I would use the first sentence to transition from the themes I just mentioned to how you’re a good law school candidate today. As the person above mentioned, don't explicitly say "I'm a good law school candidate." Let the audience come to that conclusion.
3) Don’t use the word “suppress.” You say you “gradually learned to suppress” your nervousness. The word “suppress” suggests that your nervousness still exists and that you’re just hiding it. Not sure if that’s what you wanted to convey or not. I would change the word to something else.
4) Don’t start a paragraph with “additionally.” It weakens your topic sentence, and it’s superfluous.
About your concerns regarding "why law." Law schools use the PS to evaluate your writing and to understand a little more about you. So, I think of the PS statement as answering the question "why are you a good candidate for law school." The "why are you interested in law" question is secondary, if anything. Now, each school is different. UChicago lists some very interesting and "successful" PS examples that have nothing to do with law. My PS is more similar to these:
http://www.law.uchicago.edu/alumni/maga ... irownwords
Note the structure of each PS: problem-> resolution-> summary of qualities in relation to law school. The summary is at the very end.
Berkeley seems to feel similar to UC. Its website says, "there is no required topic for the statement. It is your opportunity to describe the
subjective qualities that you will bring to the study of law at Berkeley. "
http://www.law.berkeley.edu/5188.htm
Again, the question seems to be "what makes you a good candidate?," not "why law?"