DS First Draft Forum
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Mack.Hambleton
- Posts: 5414
- Joined: Mon Jan 13, 2014 2:09 am
DS First Draft
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Last edited by Mack.Hambleton on Mon Jan 20, 2014 10:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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papercut
- Posts: 1446
- Joined: Sat Dec 01, 2012 6:48 pm
Re: DS First Draft
I'm going to be blunt with you. I'm not always right, but I am trying to help. 
You need someone to help you with the grammar. For example:
"There were struggles, there were times when I resented my situation, but I don’t view my story as that of a victim."
Should be more like:
"There were struggles. There were times when I resented my situation, but I don’t view my story as that of a victim."
Or:
"There were struggles; there were times when I resented my situation, but I don’t view my story as that of a victim."
Also you're saying the same thing twice, and I believe the first clause is in the passive voice. So, ultimately I'd go with something like:
"I struggled, but I don’t think I'm a victim."
But that's just hitting the reader over the head with something, instead of telling a story that shows it.
I would stay away from "sob story" as a phrasing. Do the other LGBT DSs with negative experiences have "sob stor[ies]?"
I think you can write a better first paragraph that doesn't rely on stereotyping of "conservatives
", or anyone else for that matter. I would stay away from explicitly referring to yourself or others as (non)victims. Try to show, and not tell.
This sounds wrong to me:
"to help those who have it worse than I. "
But, I'm not 100% sure if "me" is correct here instead of "I".
My overall impression is that you're trying to sound too high brow with your writing. Don't use a big word where a smaller word would do. For example, "acquiesce" should be "accept." Also the way you're using it, it's not clear what the school is accepting. "At the behest of my parents." Who would speak the word "behest" out loud these days? Also this makes you look like a pushover to your parents' wishes.
You should read your writing out loud and imagine yourself speaking to your target audience. If you'd feel weird saying something, you shouldn't write it.
I've seen others recommend that you don't make yourself look like you'll be a pain in the ass to the administration. So, battling administrators might not always be a good idea to talk about.
Finally, I think you should scrap this draft. It reads like a bullet point list of why you're diverse. Why don't you tell a story? You probably have several of your points in your resume anyway.
Hope to see your next draft.
You need someone to help you with the grammar. For example:
"There were struggles, there were times when I resented my situation, but I don’t view my story as that of a victim."
Should be more like:
"There were struggles. There were times when I resented my situation, but I don’t view my story as that of a victim."
Or:
"There were struggles; there were times when I resented my situation, but I don’t view my story as that of a victim."
Also you're saying the same thing twice, and I believe the first clause is in the passive voice. So, ultimately I'd go with something like:
"I struggled, but I don’t think I'm a victim."
But that's just hitting the reader over the head with something, instead of telling a story that shows it.
I would stay away from "sob story" as a phrasing. Do the other LGBT DSs with negative experiences have "sob stor[ies]?"
I think you can write a better first paragraph that doesn't rely on stereotyping of "conservatives
", or anyone else for that matter. I would stay away from explicitly referring to yourself or others as (non)victims. Try to show, and not tell.
This sounds wrong to me:
"to help those who have it worse than I. "
But, I'm not 100% sure if "me" is correct here instead of "I".
My overall impression is that you're trying to sound too high brow with your writing. Don't use a big word where a smaller word would do. For example, "acquiesce" should be "accept." Also the way you're using it, it's not clear what the school is accepting. "At the behest of my parents." Who would speak the word "behest" out loud these days? Also this makes you look like a pushover to your parents' wishes.
You should read your writing out loud and imagine yourself speaking to your target audience. If you'd feel weird saying something, you shouldn't write it.
I've seen others recommend that you don't make yourself look like you'll be a pain in the ass to the administration. So, battling administrators might not always be a good idea to talk about.
Finally, I think you should scrap this draft. It reads like a bullet point list of why you're diverse. Why don't you tell a story? You probably have several of your points in your resume anyway.
Hope to see your next draft.
