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This is pretty generic/average for the following reasons

#1) At first I thought you are going to start strong with a powerful anecdote, but what you provided instead was a linear progression of events, which is sort of boring
#2) The statement reads in general more like a thesis, I argue X, and supporting X with the following paragraphs.
#3) Just what the hell is education law? I have never heard of it, does it involve bettering the policy of children? Are you sure? Or is that something you presume to exist?
#4) Alot of your sentences start with I, my, these again, are indicators of average writing abilities.

thanks for the feedback
1. education law is not made up lol. it dos involve bettering the policy of child education
2. I see now how my statement could come off as a series of events. any advice on how to combat this?

3. I will be editing the I's. thank you !

Anonymous User wrote:thanks for the feedback
1. education law is not made up lol. it dos involve bettering the policy of child education
2. I see now how my statement could come off as a series of events. any advice on how to combat this?

3. I will be editing the I's. thank you !

The usual way to avoid this is to pick couple of significant events that differ chronologically (through powerful anecdotes) so that the timeline is more implicitly established rather than told in a linear fashion.