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thanks!

I don't think I like the military analogy. So many people that fought in real wars will be applying along side you and this will seem a little juvenile. That's just my opinion.

You have a good topic, I would just present it differently if I were you.

Definitely agreed with the poster above me - scrap the military analogy. When I figured out that you weren't referring to an actual war, I rolled my eyes, and that's not good. Also, I don't see much in the way of diversity in this statement. You took a test that all must take, and then you moved to the U.S.. The second half has some potential, but I don't see the point of the first paragraph.

Thanks for the feedback - I will definitely remove the analogy. I also think my point didn't get across, which means a major rewrite is in order