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Your language is way too flowery in my opinion and you go into far too much detail about something that I'm hoping will be trivial in your statement. Writing about playing music certainly isn't taboo, but what are you planning to show people with a statement like this? What's your overall message going to be? Your message should convey something about your potential as a future professional and lawyer, and I'm struggling to see how this beginning will ever turn into something like that. Make sure you are confident in your message first, then worry about how you're writing it and the actual words you're using.

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Yes, it's a pretty weak message you're trying to send. It's not as bad as it could be, but you can present a much stronger quality than, "hey, I used to be shy, but now I've learned to overcome it." Unless you were debilitatingly shy to the point where interaction was so difficult for you that you couldn't function in public, then it probably isn't worth it. Positives you should be trying to show: work ethic, leadership, intelligence, perseverence, resilience, creativity, success in academics...the list goes on, but these should be the types of things you want to highlight. Just ask yourself one simple question: would a professional be impressed by this quality? If yes, you win. If not, try again.

Thanks man I really appreciate the help.