personal statement... attempt 2.
Posted: Thu Oct 17, 2013 9:44 am
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I think this is a lot better than before. It's more of a narrative and you see your personality come through. Thank you for elaborating on the quote, I think it adds a lot to the PS. I also really like the addition of the biracial piece.
For me, I felt like the Model UN thing lost me. It comes up sort of randomly, and I don't think it adds that much. The end still reads a bit like a list of stuff for your resume. I would probably take those two paragraphs before the conclusion out (it seems like you might be over 2 pages, so perhaps this could help?).
For the conclusion, if you're going to keep naming the school, make sure you have info about their specific program. Don't just throw the name in -- do your research and put real reasons you want to go there. You may have just been doing this so as to not give the school away -- just checking.
It definitely needs work grammatically, but I don't trust myself enough to do that, so I'd try to get someone else on here to help out with sentence structure/passive voice/other grammatical stuff.
Good job!