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Posted: Tue Oct 15, 2013 12:27 pm
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The topic is interesting, but the writing needs a lot of work.
Your first sentence is passive voice - not a good way to start. You need to write stronger and clearer throughout. You are missing a ton of commas, which makes it hard to read. The grammar in general is not very good, so definitely work on that. I would make it more narrative than it currently is because, even though it's interesting, it gets a little stale. You're just telling the reader everything, not showing them. Good luck!