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For every action taken there is an opportunity cost. These words uttered on my first day of class were internalized merely as a basic tenant of economics, but eventually came to serve as a staple consideration in how I make decisions. As a Mormon youth, raised in a strict household, college seemed to be an escape from the social norms that I had been reluctantly accustomed to. It was not a means to an end, but rather an end in and of itself. Consequently, my educational endeavors took the back burner to seemingly more attractive offers. By losing sight of my intended purpose of attaining higher education, the opportunity cost was extremely high, and served to benefit only my temporal appetites. Some would attribute such a situation to laziness or lack of focus, but I believe neither is a precise explanation. Rational beings function by means of incentives and this case is no different. Being sent off to college with adequate financial means, I was not hungry for the academic achievement necessary to become financially solvent, let alone reach my career goals. In short, I had little incentive to invest my full effort, and accordingly focused on the present while giving little consideration to the unseen yet compounding costs.
It was not until my incentive structure changed that I experienced a meaningful paradigm shift. Several semesters of mediocre grades served to magnify my apathy towards school and I was eventually cut off. Left with no other choice, I started working full time at the local market to make ends meet. While reaping the fruits of my own labor stimulated a sense of satisfaction, it also made me realize that I was burying my talents. Alas, working full time was a double-edged sword. My ability to improve academically became stymied by the rigors of two full time schedules. Ironically, the opportunity I most desired was the one I had previously taken for granted. This realization, while grim, prompted me to make serious changes for the better, and would not have been possible without a restructuring of incentives.

I just need to know if it seems like im heading in the right direction with this topic before I get too into it. Comments would be greatly appreciated.

This is not a great intro and you should scrap it now. You effectively told me that you were young, immature and spoiled and it wasn't until daddy cut you off that you started to take life seriously. Is that the kind of maturity you want a complete stranger (like an ADCOM) to see as the introduction to you as an applicant? I certainly hope not. Even if you were trying to craft a "growth through adversity" type of statement, this is pretty poor, because your adversity was having to fend for yourself because your affluent parents wouldn't put up with your mediocrity.

I know everything I'm saying comes off extremely mean, but that's the point. In reading this, that's the worst-case version of you I could see in your statement, so you have to assume that if I can see it that way so readily, don't you think admissions will as well?

To give some direction for future drafts, please try to really think about the tone and message you want to send prior to putting words on paper. Figure out what you're trying to sell, then go full steam ahead in selling it. Show me you have these awesome, top law school-worthy attributes and make me believe I want you in my law school class. Once you have the tone and message straight, you can start working on the flow, grammar and subtle nuances of the statement that can take it from good to great. Until you get those things straight though, anything you churn out will continue to be severely lacking.

great advice matthew, I am reading through all of your post in the personal statement section and I'm finding them extremely helpful. I will seek you out when my PS is in better shape, hopefully you have time to give the kind of critique that I see in these post and that I am sure I am going to need. keep up the good work man.

Don't end sentences in prepositions.