is this a good start to a PS? Forum

[Anonymous User]

On October 14, 2012, I woke up to the news that my grandmother had passed away. She died at 83 years old. What hurts me the most is the fact that she never had the chance to see anybody in our entire family prosper. My father always used to tell me, “we come from a long line of losers”. He told me this because nobody in our entire family did anything that was noteworthy. The more my dad embedded this fact into my head me this, the less I wanted to be like the rest of my family. I never wanted to settle for anything less than becoming someone worth mentioning. I didn’t want to add my name into the long list of losers of our family; I wanted to start a column of my own.
Since a young age, I had always looked for ways to prosper in such a way that nobody else in family did. By 15 years old, I began to look up some information on the Internet on how I could go about starting my own business online. I opened an eBay account and began to sell things around my house that we did not use anymore. As I established the eBay account, I realized that I needed a niche and a certain type of product that I should begin selling on the account. With the money I earned through selling those household items, I made an investment. I bought cell phone parts in bulk from a supplier in Texas. I took the time and created listings on eBay to sell my products and before I knew it, my business took off. I was getting too many orders to handle. At one point, I was averaging over $250 a day in profits and my father stood there with a puzzled look on his face as he wondered how his son was making more money than he was.


I am taking this in the direction to show my goals of owning my own law firm in the future and actually making a name for myself.

[hiltopp01]

On October 14, 2012, I woke up to the news that my grandmother had passed away. She died at 83 years old. What hurts me the most is the fact that she never had the chance to see anybody in our entire family prosper. My father always used to tell me, “we come from a long line of losers”. He told me this because nobody in our entire family did anything that was noteworthy. The more my dad embedded this fact into my head me this, the less I wanted to be like the rest of my family. I never wanted to settle for anything less than becoming someone worth mentioning. I didn’t want to add my name into the long list of losers of our family; I wanted to start a column of my own.
Since a young age, I had always looked for ways to prosper in such a way that nobody else in family did. By 15 years old, I began to look up some information on the Internet on how I could go about starting my own business online. I opened an eBay account and began to sell things around my house that we did not use anymore. As I established the eBay account, I realized that I needed a niche and a certain type of product that I should begin selling on the account. With the money I earned through selling those household items, I made an investment. I bought cell phone parts in bulk from a supplier in Texas. I took the time and created listings on eBay to sell my products and before I knew it, my business took off. I was getting too many orders to handle. At one point, I was averaging over $250 a day in profits and my father stood there with a puzzled look on his face as he wondered how his son was making more money than he was.

I am taking this in the direction to show my goals of owning my own law firm in the future and actually making a name for myself.

You're applying to law school, not Wal-Mart bro.

[Pancakes12]

I don't get what the poster above is trying to say, but this isn't exactly a great start as far as writing goes. However, the topic of starting your own successful business is a good one. It shows initiative and drive. I would scrap the intro about your grandma. I would honestly scrap all of it and start over with the same topic. You are WAY too descriptive: "I began to look up information on the internet about how I could start my own business." This is unneccessary and nobody cares. But people will care about the challenges you encountered while starting the business, and how you overcame them. They will care about how you came to make such large profits. And they will definitly care WHY you are leaving your business to attend law school.

[Ramius]

I don't get what the poster above is trying to say, but this isn't exactly a great start as far as writing goes. However, the topic of starting your own successful business is a good one. It shows initiative and drive. I would scrap the intro about your grandma. I would honestly scrap all of it and start over with the same topic. You are WAY too descriptive: "I began to look up information on the internet about how I could start my own business." This is unneccessary and nobody cares. But people will care about the challenges you encountered while starting the business, and how you overcame them. They will care about how you came to make such large profits. And they will definitly care WHY you are leaving your business to attend law school.

I couldn't agree with this more.