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nvm

No offense, but I stopped reading after the pretentious first clause; others might have more luck.

This is pretty bad. I honestly don't want to take the time to break it all down but lets just say the content (rather than the mechanics or grammar) is what really needs work.

I think you should take some time to reconsider who your audience is. I'm not sure what you've provided is, well, what anybody in an admissions office wants to read.