1st Draft, help is badly needed Forum

[Anonymous User]

Hey guys, 1st rough draft of personal statement and I know I need lots of help. Please tear it apart but be respectful. I'm looking for constructive criticism:

“Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring” went the sound of my phone early that August morning. It was my mother asking me to check up on my step-father who had just recently gotten home from the hospital the previous afternoon. I got up and walked down the hall to their bedroom to check up on him. I notice his body was paler compared to a normal Caucasian’s skin tone. I shook him and said “wake up.” No response was given from the pale skinned man. I began to panic a little and started shaking him and yelling “wake up” repeatedly and frantically. I really started to panic and flipped him over on his back to open an airway; he had been lying on his side. I then proceed to calling 911 demanding immediate assistance. I performed CPR (I was certified at the time) until help had arrived. My step-father was pronounced dead on the scene. As a Shriner and a loving husband he was a devoted man to his community and to his family.

My step-father had been in my life for almost my entire life. He had been a Shriner longer than my age, deeply involved and known in the school in which my little sister attended, and committed to our family. The death of my step-father in 2011 has forever changed the way I approach everyday life. As the man of the house now of 2 sisters and my mother, it was time to start looking at things differently. I started to take on more responsibility like working more hours to help support my family. I became that fatherly figure for my younger sister by helping her with her homework and softball. I knew how important he was to her and I wanted to try my hardest to make her feel like it never happened. I didn’t want my sister to feel like her father wasn’t around. The smile on her face is priceless after I say yes to her question of “can you catch me so I can work on my pitching?” I love the fact that I could be that go to person for her for anything. I would help her almost every day on her math homework and afterwards she would say "you're the best." That always made my day.

After a brief grieving period I started to focus more on my studies. I was the first to attend college in my family and completing it became a top priority. I started to get involved with campus activities and other programs. I joined the Cal Poly Society of Accountants and started to involve myself in fundraisers and community services like the Huntington Beach clean-up and the Secret Santa for underprivileged children. I started to raise my grades in my classes and started paying better attention to detail. I even considered running for a club office position. I am determined in bettering myself.

My eyes have been opened after my step-father’s passing. I have grown into a mature adult who is deeply committed to bettering not only I but others as well. I am committed to helping others who are in need and I have no problem sacrificing my time to go great lengths for them. After being that go to person for my sister, I want to be that go to person for others.

I want to be a Lawyer for the right reasons. I know that it will require a ton of commitment and dedication. Sacrifices are going to be made. I have done a lot of that in the last 2 years of my life to help better myself and others. It’s time to take it to the next level of reaching my goal to help others who need it most. I’m proud of the person I have become and I know my step-father would have been proud to see me the way I am now as well. It’s unfortunate and sad that it took the discovery on that summer morning to give me that extra push I needed.