PS--1st draft. Please critique
Posted: Tue Sep 03, 2013 10:17 pm
So, this is my first draft. It probably has a few grammatical mistakes, please don't judge me too hard. Constructive criticism would be appreciated. Thanks in advance for the help
A group of roughly fifteen boys, ages ranging from ten to twelve, looked up at me. Some had beaming smiles on their faces and others wore disinterested expressions. I looked down at my attendance sheet, which was my only help now that I was separated from my boss. I told myself that I knew what I was doing, that I was going to be the best camp counselor ever. First, I made my campers tell me their names and something about themselves. That went well and my confidence went up. Riding off this momentum, I started a game going called “zoom.” To my immediate dismay, not only did the campers lose interest in about thirty seconds, but some of the more rambunctious ones started wrestling in the middle of the circle that we had made. The one on the bottom of the pile got hurt and looked up at me with big blue eyes, filled to the brim with tears. He was expecting me to dish out the punishment, but I stuttered. I forgot all my training in that moment and thought, “Oh God, I have no idea what I’m doing.” My first day as a summer day camp counselor with this group of boys, called the Orange group, had just begun.
As the first few weeks passed, the Orange group continued to do unexpected things that would catch me off guard. One kept on climbing to the top of trees, about four to five cursed, bullying was rampant, and I had been called, “half-man, half-giraffe” due to my six foot five height. Fortunately, I began to figure it out and I was not as unprepared as I was on the first day. Unexpected things happen at day camp. When these unanticipated things occurred, I learned to improvise. When bullying and exclusion became a problem, I set up football games and I would mix up the teams so that the kids with more power in the Orange group would be on the same team as the kids who were typically bullied and excluded. As soon as these boys remembered the joys of football, high-fives and smiles began to appear from more and more from the Orange group. I also learned to be a leader of this group. Summer began with me trying to become their friend, which led to them running all over me. However, I realized that if these kids were to have any fun, I needed to step up and become the authority in this group. This admittedly scared me, as I was afraid some of the campers would not like me anymore due to my new attitude. Luckily, as I took command, the Orange group began to respect me more and even better, began to respect each other more.
As summer progressed, there were still some issues within the group, but I had learned how to solve those problems quickly. The Orange group was actually having fun and as they had fun, I began to learn more about each of them. These kids had stories that I could not fathom and that explained so much about their behavior. When I was their age, I had two loving parents and no financial issues whatsoever. This was not a community I was used to being around and this summer opened my eyes to the unfortunate situation some of these kids are really in.
The children in the Orange group taught me the value of making good decisions and being responsible. I have always been curious about law, but this summer helped me see that a career as a family lawyer is what I want to do with my life. Assisting families through difficult times, whether it be divorce or child abuse, has become a passion of mine. I want to do the best I can for all of the hurt families out there and going into law will help me accomplish that.
On my last day, I looked up at the six or seven remaining campers that had not gone back to school yet. A couple of them were a little shy and gave me a handshake but the majority of them gave me a hug. “See ya later, half-giraffe.”
A group of roughly fifteen boys, ages ranging from ten to twelve, looked up at me. Some had beaming smiles on their faces and others wore disinterested expressions. I looked down at my attendance sheet, which was my only help now that I was separated from my boss. I told myself that I knew what I was doing, that I was going to be the best camp counselor ever. First, I made my campers tell me their names and something about themselves. That went well and my confidence went up. Riding off this momentum, I started a game going called “zoom.” To my immediate dismay, not only did the campers lose interest in about thirty seconds, but some of the more rambunctious ones started wrestling in the middle of the circle that we had made. The one on the bottom of the pile got hurt and looked up at me with big blue eyes, filled to the brim with tears. He was expecting me to dish out the punishment, but I stuttered. I forgot all my training in that moment and thought, “Oh God, I have no idea what I’m doing.” My first day as a summer day camp counselor with this group of boys, called the Orange group, had just begun.
As the first few weeks passed, the Orange group continued to do unexpected things that would catch me off guard. One kept on climbing to the top of trees, about four to five cursed, bullying was rampant, and I had been called, “half-man, half-giraffe” due to my six foot five height. Fortunately, I began to figure it out and I was not as unprepared as I was on the first day. Unexpected things happen at day camp. When these unanticipated things occurred, I learned to improvise. When bullying and exclusion became a problem, I set up football games and I would mix up the teams so that the kids with more power in the Orange group would be on the same team as the kids who were typically bullied and excluded. As soon as these boys remembered the joys of football, high-fives and smiles began to appear from more and more from the Orange group. I also learned to be a leader of this group. Summer began with me trying to become their friend, which led to them running all over me. However, I realized that if these kids were to have any fun, I needed to step up and become the authority in this group. This admittedly scared me, as I was afraid some of the campers would not like me anymore due to my new attitude. Luckily, as I took command, the Orange group began to respect me more and even better, began to respect each other more.
As summer progressed, there were still some issues within the group, but I had learned how to solve those problems quickly. The Orange group was actually having fun and as they had fun, I began to learn more about each of them. These kids had stories that I could not fathom and that explained so much about their behavior. When I was their age, I had two loving parents and no financial issues whatsoever. This was not a community I was used to being around and this summer opened my eyes to the unfortunate situation some of these kids are really in.
The children in the Orange group taught me the value of making good decisions and being responsible. I have always been curious about law, but this summer helped me see that a career as a family lawyer is what I want to do with my life. Assisting families through difficult times, whether it be divorce or child abuse, has become a passion of mine. I want to do the best I can for all of the hurt families out there and going into law will help me accomplish that.
On my last day, I looked up at the six or seven remaining campers that had not gone back to school yet. A couple of them were a little shy and gave me a handshake but the majority of them gave me a hug. “See ya later, half-giraffe.”