Personal Statement Draft *Updated* Forum

[Anonymous User]

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[sully]

I think you have a worthwhile topic. Right now, I think your writing could use a little polish to combine the two distinct writing styles in your essay. With some work, you can maintain literary style of the first half and still accomplish the informative goal of the second half.

[Anonymous User]

Thank you, Sully. You're critique is appreciated, and I think I see what you're saying. I will definitely try to improve the composition of the statement.

Before I begin my next draft, does anyone else have any comments to offer?

[Ramius]

This was definitely a quality PS topic and I think you should run with it. I felt compelled to keep reading and your use of the chain link fence as a literary device and driving force of the statement worked very effectively.

In order to polish your statement and make the grammar flow better, start reading your statement out loud. Read it deliberately. Focus on each word and the purpose it serves in the sentence. Read each sentence to understand what purpose it serves in the greater message. Cut out anything that is extraneous and superfluous.

Then read it out loud to others you trust. Give it to them as a speech. Tell them the story like you'd be telling it to the ADCOM. This will help better identify points of awkward flow or phrasing and will better make you see how you want this statement to flow.

Finally, have someone else read it out loud to you and see where they stumble with it. They obviously won't be able to deliver it perfectly like you'd maybe intend, but if they can read it out loud without any major stumbles, you probably have a good flow to the statement. If they have troubles, figure out where and why and see if that is an area you could change.

GL OP! You're definitely on the right track!

[Anonymous User]

Your comments are very appreciated mathewsean85. I am going to use your advice for my next draft.

[blsingindisguise]

I found it a little confusing -- at first I thought you were teaching poor kids, and I didn't quite understand what was meant by the kids not being from the neighborhood. Were they rich? Middle class? What were they doing coming to an unsafe area for swim lessons then, if it was really as bad as you make it sound?

Maybe just because I've read a lot of them here, I'm a little sick of the "I did a minimal time commitment extracurricular activity, which unexpectedly made me notice that there are poor people in the world, therefore I want to save the poor" kind of statement. It's like the cliched Teach for America statement but with less oomph because the activity requires much less commitment and is much less difficult. That said, it seems like these statements don't hurt anyone too much (unless you're going for HYS, in which case I think they'd expect better), and you're writing an admissions essay, not a New Yorker piece.

[Anastasia Dee Dualla]

[removed]

[Anonymous User]

Anastasia Dee Dualla and blsingindisguise, thank you for the comments and edits.

blsingindisguise, I agree with your critique. I am motivated to go to law school to forward social justice interests and to work with the disadvantaged. It's an ambition that has been instilled me by multiple sources and events, but I find that difficult to depict in one two page statement. So, instead I tried to pick a moment that I felt captured this ambition, if that makes sense.

I will be applying to HYS, my statistics give me a shot at these schools. You say this statement would hurt me at these schools, do you have any advice on how to correct this?

Also, to answer your question. It's a pool that is near neighborhoods considered more well off. The pool was constructed decades ago, and the neighborhood it is situated in was more well off then. Although, you're right, the statement doesn't state this.

Thank you again.

[Anastasia Dee Dualla]

Please PM me; I have a sample PS and DS that may be of interest to you.

[risanian]

I agree with the previous comments, you might be on the right track. With that said, I side with blsing's in that this is a cliched TFA statement. You may want to add additional actions you took to help those kids if you want to keep this topic, perhaps you followed up with the children who were on the other side of the chain link fence, assisted them with homework, or got to know them on a personal level and provided them guidance. If you were truly touched by those kids you should have taken a few extra steps to help them out, I know plenty of people who get deeply involved (or even dedicate their careers) after such experiences and your "I saw poor kids, I felt bad for them then I helped them out by teaching them how to swim... once" is going to be compared with "I have lived in the ghettos of LA, Florida, DC, etc. for the past X years after college making pennies keeping children in school and off the streets. I starting, and working for, a number of non-profit organizations including my greatest achievement which is non profit X where we provide orphans with homes, keep kids in school, etc." keep that in mind. Best of luck.

You can also post your PS on illreadyours.com, its a free personal statement peer review website and its a lot more private than the TLS forum.

[Anonymous User]

Original post has been updated.

[Anastasia Dee Dualla]

See PM