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starting over
Posted: Fri Aug 16, 2013 9:49 am
by hos9903
back to the drawing board
Re: First Draft- if anyone is bored at work
Posted: Fri Aug 16, 2013 10:12 am
by lastsamurai
Just my two cents:
I think it definitely could use some spice. Right now, it reads as an encyclopedic account of rowing, which isn't exactly interesting. Also, the last paragraph is out of place and doesn't tie in very well. It's just a laundry list of accomplishments that you claim are connected to rowing, but the connection isn't an obvious one to me.
Also, I don't know if you realized that you tried to hide your university in the first paragraph but not the third. The phrase "on X university's dime" also doesn't come across very well.
Good luck!
Re: First Draft- if anyone is bored at work
Posted: Fri Aug 16, 2013 10:15 am
by hos9903
lastsamurai wrote:Just my two cents:
I think it definitely could use some spice. Right now, it reads as an encyclopedic account of rowing, which isn't exactly interesting. Also, the last paragraph is out of place and doesn't tie in very well. It's just a laundry list of accomplishments that you claim are connected to rowing, but the connection isn't an obvious one to me.
Also, I don't know if you realized that you tried to hide your university in the first paragraph but not the third. The phrase "on X university's dime" also doesn't come across very well.
Good luck!
thanks, I appreciate the feedback. I'll definitely keep all of that in mind as I keep working on it