Personal Statement - advice greatly appreciated!
Posted: Tue Aug 13, 2013 4:10 pm
Hi all,
I would greatly appreciate any suggestions/critiques/comments for my Personal Statement. I've just started it, and I guess I'm gearing it towards an overcoming obstacle / leadership growth perspective. Still a little lost on how personal statements should be directed, hopefully once apps open I will understand better... I'm also worried about it being too cheesy...
Thanks!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DRAFT 1
For one year, I had no voice.
I did my daily routine of going to class and studying. But as soon as the school bell rang, I knew I had to go straight home – since I wasn’t allowed to speak to males, the longer I stayed around, the higher chance that would occur.
For he would always ask; even if I didn't tell, he always found out. Then, there would be trouble.
It was strange, given I was raised to be strong, independent, and hardworking, that I would listen to someone dictate my every action. But in a manner familiar to Chinese American immigrant culture, I was told not cause any trouble, or make a scene. The latter lesson came in silence – I saw my mother, who never took a day off for illness or after giving birth, because she was afraid. I saw my father, who got blamed for matters out of misunderstandings. Instead of explaining himself, he said nothing. To stay silent and struggle through was the chosen choice rather than to fight.
So even though I knew that something was wrong, I said nothing. I stayed silent amongst the threats, the requirements, the insults. The feelings of shame and self-blame filled every day, and more and more it seemed there was nowhere to turn. Worst of all, I felt weak and powerless, without a voice.
The events of that year culminated until one day, at a peak point, I truly realized I had to be the one to make it stop. I had done research to know the right decision, but was hesitating due to fear and embarrassment. But I realized even with laws and support to protect someone, one has to take the first initiative for the fight. I remember the day clearly when I decided enough was enough; I had never felt so free, strong, and scared at the same time.
After the events, I told myself I would never be the same again; I could never be the same again. When I went to college, I decided to test myself, to see my strength. It was hard at first, to pick up and try to be someone I thought I wasn't. I had almost begun to believe that I was the weak person that what dictated to me.
I challenged that image.
I found that I was strong; enough to eventually become President of what was one of the largest organizations on campus. I joined the Chinese Students’ Association (CSA) as I always had interest in Chinese culture, and US – China relations. I was elected onto the executive board my freshman year, and continued to stay on for four years. The executive board was small, given the large membership, and so allowed opportunity for leadership growth. I sought to further emphasize the point of advocacy in the organization amongst the student body. During my year as Vice President, I was in charge of planning the annual Chinese New Year show, which served as a prime opportunity to promote more of Chinese culture on campus. The responsibilities included writing the script of the show, organizing choreographers and stage direction, and promotion for audiences. By implementing a more rigorous marketing strategy and reaching out to new networks, that year’s audience reached the highest number yet, almost double of prior years. I remember standing on the stage about to give a speech, looking into the audience of hundreds and thinking that certainly, I was not weak.
I realized I could fight; well enough to argue for my standpoints even if it meant conflicting with higher authority, for the sake of the organizations and values that I represented. There was a situation when I was President of CSA where executive board members submitted an application to organize a new summer orientation event. The application was unfortunately rejected, which we had understood and accepted – until just a few days letter, the university invited our organization to join an event that they were starting for the first time; an exactly duplicate of the rejected proposal. I found myself in a difficult position. The school administration was the authority that we fell under, but I also saw the extreme frustration and anger of members, who felt cheated that their ideas could be pushed aside and copied without any regard. I decided that our voices had to be heard. I sent a formal message outlining our perspective on the situation to our advisor, who was an Assistant Director on the administration. We had an open discussion with her, and she agreed with our points, and ultimately apologized for the situation. By knowing that our concerns could be heard and discussed, the team members felt encouraged, that even as just students we could address our beliefs against authority. As President, I understood that my role wasn’t just to plan meetings, but to lead a team to do what was best for the organization. As a leader, I realized I had to represent the people I worked with, no matter what the outcome.
Most of all, I found my voice; one that could execute plans, give speeches, and advise colleagues – a voice that could also help others be heard. During my sophomore year, I was Community Service chair of my sorority, whose national philanthropy is to combat violence against women. As such, my main responsibility was to plan a week of events in October during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, for advocacy of this cause. I was nervous to be planning my first big campus-wide event, but the personal drive to see this cause promoted strengthened me. During the week, I executed many new events, such as a workshop reaching out to male students, for domestic violence prevention awareness. But the most touching event of the week was the first, to-be annual paper doll project, where students were asked to write their thoughts and feelings of domestic violence on a doll cut-out. Each figure was added daily to a large banner which was hung over the student common. The dolls showed frustration, fear, encouragement, and hope. They carried the feelings of staff, students, and community who were victims, or knew someone who was a victim. People shared their own experiences and tales, and not all the stories ended happily ever after. But students would read them and became aware, and as I wrote my own reflection on the paper doll and hung it on the banner, I felt a sense of liberation – to be heard.
I have a voice, and I want to be someone who can work to convey the voices of others. Lawyers are there to defend, whether it's a company in danger of a trademark opposition, or a woman fighting for her protection. They provide counsel and advice to their client, and when the situation gets tough, are there to fight for their client. They are advocates, to help people have a voice in the face of the law. In every aspect, whether it is a case of a group or an individual, the law impacts people’s lives – a corporate litigation case affects the employees pending on the outcome; a personal injury case can result in the way a person can live his or her life.
I want to be that advocate, so that with strength and the will to fight, no matter the outcome, there will be a voice that is heard.
I would greatly appreciate any suggestions/critiques/comments for my Personal Statement. I've just started it, and I guess I'm gearing it towards an overcoming obstacle / leadership growth perspective. Still a little lost on how personal statements should be directed, hopefully once apps open I will understand better... I'm also worried about it being too cheesy...
Thanks!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DRAFT 1
For one year, I had no voice.
I did my daily routine of going to class and studying. But as soon as the school bell rang, I knew I had to go straight home – since I wasn’t allowed to speak to males, the longer I stayed around, the higher chance that would occur.
For he would always ask; even if I didn't tell, he always found out. Then, there would be trouble.
It was strange, given I was raised to be strong, independent, and hardworking, that I would listen to someone dictate my every action. But in a manner familiar to Chinese American immigrant culture, I was told not cause any trouble, or make a scene. The latter lesson came in silence – I saw my mother, who never took a day off for illness or after giving birth, because she was afraid. I saw my father, who got blamed for matters out of misunderstandings. Instead of explaining himself, he said nothing. To stay silent and struggle through was the chosen choice rather than to fight.
So even though I knew that something was wrong, I said nothing. I stayed silent amongst the threats, the requirements, the insults. The feelings of shame and self-blame filled every day, and more and more it seemed there was nowhere to turn. Worst of all, I felt weak and powerless, without a voice.
The events of that year culminated until one day, at a peak point, I truly realized I had to be the one to make it stop. I had done research to know the right decision, but was hesitating due to fear and embarrassment. But I realized even with laws and support to protect someone, one has to take the first initiative for the fight. I remember the day clearly when I decided enough was enough; I had never felt so free, strong, and scared at the same time.
After the events, I told myself I would never be the same again; I could never be the same again. When I went to college, I decided to test myself, to see my strength. It was hard at first, to pick up and try to be someone I thought I wasn't. I had almost begun to believe that I was the weak person that what dictated to me.
I challenged that image.
I found that I was strong; enough to eventually become President of what was one of the largest organizations on campus. I joined the Chinese Students’ Association (CSA) as I always had interest in Chinese culture, and US – China relations. I was elected onto the executive board my freshman year, and continued to stay on for four years. The executive board was small, given the large membership, and so allowed opportunity for leadership growth. I sought to further emphasize the point of advocacy in the organization amongst the student body. During my year as Vice President, I was in charge of planning the annual Chinese New Year show, which served as a prime opportunity to promote more of Chinese culture on campus. The responsibilities included writing the script of the show, organizing choreographers and stage direction, and promotion for audiences. By implementing a more rigorous marketing strategy and reaching out to new networks, that year’s audience reached the highest number yet, almost double of prior years. I remember standing on the stage about to give a speech, looking into the audience of hundreds and thinking that certainly, I was not weak.
I realized I could fight; well enough to argue for my standpoints even if it meant conflicting with higher authority, for the sake of the organizations and values that I represented. There was a situation when I was President of CSA where executive board members submitted an application to organize a new summer orientation event. The application was unfortunately rejected, which we had understood and accepted – until just a few days letter, the university invited our organization to join an event that they were starting for the first time; an exactly duplicate of the rejected proposal. I found myself in a difficult position. The school administration was the authority that we fell under, but I also saw the extreme frustration and anger of members, who felt cheated that their ideas could be pushed aside and copied without any regard. I decided that our voices had to be heard. I sent a formal message outlining our perspective on the situation to our advisor, who was an Assistant Director on the administration. We had an open discussion with her, and she agreed with our points, and ultimately apologized for the situation. By knowing that our concerns could be heard and discussed, the team members felt encouraged, that even as just students we could address our beliefs against authority. As President, I understood that my role wasn’t just to plan meetings, but to lead a team to do what was best for the organization. As a leader, I realized I had to represent the people I worked with, no matter what the outcome.
Most of all, I found my voice; one that could execute plans, give speeches, and advise colleagues – a voice that could also help others be heard. During my sophomore year, I was Community Service chair of my sorority, whose national philanthropy is to combat violence against women. As such, my main responsibility was to plan a week of events in October during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, for advocacy of this cause. I was nervous to be planning my first big campus-wide event, but the personal drive to see this cause promoted strengthened me. During the week, I executed many new events, such as a workshop reaching out to male students, for domestic violence prevention awareness. But the most touching event of the week was the first, to-be annual paper doll project, where students were asked to write their thoughts and feelings of domestic violence on a doll cut-out. Each figure was added daily to a large banner which was hung over the student common. The dolls showed frustration, fear, encouragement, and hope. They carried the feelings of staff, students, and community who were victims, or knew someone who was a victim. People shared their own experiences and tales, and not all the stories ended happily ever after. But students would read them and became aware, and as I wrote my own reflection on the paper doll and hung it on the banner, I felt a sense of liberation – to be heard.
I have a voice, and I want to be someone who can work to convey the voices of others. Lawyers are there to defend, whether it's a company in danger of a trademark opposition, or a woman fighting for her protection. They provide counsel and advice to their client, and when the situation gets tough, are there to fight for their client. They are advocates, to help people have a voice in the face of the law. In every aspect, whether it is a case of a group or an individual, the law impacts people’s lives – a corporate litigation case affects the employees pending on the outcome; a personal injury case can result in the way a person can live his or her life.
I want to be that advocate, so that with strength and the will to fight, no matter the outcome, there will be a voice that is heard.
