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A New Draft - Please Critique TYIA
Posted: Wed Jul 31, 2013 10:58 am
by Anonymous User
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Re: A New Draft - Please Critique TYIA
Posted: Wed Jul 31, 2013 4:55 pm
by chinadoll
your old draft is a little informal, but much clearer than the new draft. cut the first paragraph of the new draft into shorter sentences.
very interesting story
Re: A New Draft - Please Critique TYIA
Posted: Wed Jul 31, 2013 5:19 pm
by blsingindisguise
Decent overall.
1) Cut "poverty-stricken" from the first line. Awkward in the contest of an individual (as opposed to "poverty-stricken community") and also a cliche.
2) I don't understand from the new draft how you came to be working with Jawan. At least mention the program/context somewhere.
3) I like your line about statistics being about the past not the future, but then that paragraph got a little confusing. You also say you can't change them, but presumably if you're talking about "the future" then you think you can change them. Then the MIT/baseball line struck me as a little arrogant -- you're saying you know better than those guys? Are there really that many top shelf players out there for as little as $2 million (1% of 200m)?
4) It's kind of impressive that you founded a non-profit that worked with NY Schools, I wish you gave a little more detail on that. And I couldn't tell if you intended to continue working with that non-profit during/after school or not.