HALP me with my Personal Statement please. Forum

[swimmer11]

I walked the mother, father, and daughter into the interview room. Today was my first day conducting intake at Prairie State Legal Services. The family, despite having an income level well-below poverty, seemed remarkably upbeat as they followed me. They expressed their gratitude that we were going to represent them against their landlord who wrongfully evicted them from the premises. They explained to me, in great detail, how their home was littered with nails exposed throughout the wood, their fears of their young daughter crawling over one of the nails, the lack of clean running water, and the constant creeping of mold up their walls. I softly told them that this was only an intake interview; our representation of theirs was not guaranteed. However, the family looked at one another with glee; they never imagined in their minds we wouldn’t be able to help them.

Two hours later I spoke with my superior. I explained to him the circumstances, the inhabitable nature of their current living situation, and their landlord’s wrongful eviction of this family.

After my meeting, I called the family. I spoke with them. I could hear the happiness in their voice, the sigh of relief knowing that they would finally have an attorney to represent them. I started to speak, my voice cracked, “we are only able to take a certain amount of cases a year depending on the funding that we receive from outside sources. Unfortunately, we do not have the funding available in landlord-tenant disputes to pursue your claim.” The family did not understand why. They did not understand how we, a legal aid society, could not advocate for them in a matter that would almost certainly leave the family homeless. However, in their voice, hope still lingered that one day their claim would get resolved. As I slowly hung up the phone, I wondered what would be come of that family, what would become of the millions of other families just like theirs.

Following my first intake I quickly became aware of the client base that we handled at Prairie State - a far cry from working at a private firm in the heart of downtown Chicago. Although legal assistance is important to everyone who desires it, to these people, the legal recourse they seek is to protect the fundamental necessities of life. They desire protection from landlords who neglect their responsibilities, restraining orders to protect themselves from abusive boyfriends, or an advocate to fight for their custody rights against an ex-husband who only wants the children to spite his wife.

I never did see or hear from that family again. However, that meeting resonates with me in everything I do. Despite the circumstances against them, despite their income level, and despite the deleterious conditions of their residence – the family still had hope. A hope that emitted a tingle down my spine as I slowly led them into the intake room. A hope that I know will lead them in the right direction. A hope that guides me to the right path through the unknown, the unseen, and the unpredictable.

[mmbt123]

I walked the mother, father, and daughter into the interview room. Today was my first day conducting intake at Prairie State Legal Services. The family, despite having an income level well-below poverty, seemed remarkably upbeat as they followed me. They expressed their gratitude that we specify more clearly who is "we"...you and your boss?were going to represent them against their landlord who wrongfully evicted them from the premises. They explained to me, in great detail, how their home was littered with exposed nails, their fears of their young daughter crawling over one of the nails, the lack of clean running water, and the constant creeping of mold up their walls. I softly told them that this was only an intake interview; our representation of theirs was not guaranteed. However, the family did not seem to understand and only looked at one another with glee; they never imagined in their minds we wouldn’t be able to help them.

Two hours later I spoke with my superior. I explained to him the circumstances, the inhabitable nature of their current living situation, and their landlord’s wrongful eviction of this family. a paragraph can't just be one sentence

After my meeting, I called the family. I spoke with them. I could hear the happiness in their voice, the sigh of relief knowing that they would finally have an attorney to represent them. I started to speak, my voice cracked, “we are only able to take a certain amount of cases a year depending on the funding that we receive from outside sources. Unfortunately, we do not have the funding available in landlord-tenant disputes to pursue your claim.” The family did not understand why. They did not understand how we, a legal aid society, could not advocate for them in a matter that would almost certainly leave the family homeless. However, in their voice, hope still lingered that one day their claim would get resolved. As I slowly hung up the phone, I wondered what would be come of that family, what would become of the millions of other families just like theirs.

Following my first intake I quickly became aware of the client base that we handled at Prairie State - a far cry from working at a private firm in the heart of downtown Chicago. Although legal assistance is important to everyone who desires it, to these people, the legal recourse they seek is to protect the fundamental necessities of life. They desire protection from landlords who neglect their responsibilities, restraining orders to protect themselves from abusive boyfriends, or an advocate to fight for their custody rights against an ex-husband who only wants the children to spite his wife.

I never did see or hear from that family again. However, that meeting resonates with me in everything I do. Despite the circumstances against them, despite their income level, and despite the deleterious conditions of their residence – the family still had hope. A hope that emitted a tingle down my spine as I slowly led them into the intake room. A hope that I know will lead them in the right direction. A hope that guides me to the right path through the unknown, the unseen, and the unpredictable.

-Last couple of sentences feel too cheesey.
-This overall feels too short.
-You spend more time talking about this family than you which I think is a problem.
-I think it would be better to talk about a case in which you were actually able to help others...

[erik the viking]

I walked the mother, father, and daughter into the interview room. Today was my first day conducting intake at Prairie State Legal Services. The family, despite having an income level well-below poverty the poverty line, seemed remarkably upbeat as they followed me. They expressed their gratitude that we were going to represent them against their landlord who wrongfully evicted them from the premises What premises? Obviously you mean their apartment, but the language is very unclear.. They explained to me, in great detail, how their home was littered with nails exposed throughout the wood, their fears of their young daughter crawling over one of the nails, the lack of clean running water, and the constant creeping of mold up their walls. I softly told them that this was only an intake interview; our representation of theirs was not guaranteed This is a full sentence without the semi-colon. 'Theirs' is awkward. Use 'their case'.. However, the family looked at one another with glee singular subject plural clause. consider revising; they never imagined in their minds Superfluous we wouldn’t be able to help them In general, semi-colons are not considered good style and should be avoided if possible..

Two hours later comma I spoke with my superior. I explained to him the circumstances, the inhabitable nature of their current living situation inhabitable means that it's okay to live there. Also, a situation can not be inhabitable or uninhabitable. A situation can be intolerable. , and their landlord’s wrongful eviction of this family.

After my meeting, I called the family. I spoke with them. I could hear the happiness in their voice voices , the sigh of relief knowing that they would finally have an attorney to represent them. I started to speak, my voice cracked, “we We are only able to take a certain amount of cases a year depending on the funding that we receive from outside sources. Unfortunately, we do not have the funding available in landlord-tenant disputes to pursue your claim.” The family did not understand why. They did not understand how we, a legal aid society, could not advocate for them in a matter that would almost certainly leave the family homeless. However, in their voice, hope still lingered that one day their claim would get resolved. As I slowly hung up the phone, I wondered what would be come become of that family, what would become of the millions of other families just like theirs.

Following my first intake I quickly became aware of the client base that we handled at Prairie State - a far cry from working at a private firm in the heart of downtown Chicago. Although legal assistance is important to everyone who desires it, to these people, the legal recourse they seek is to protect the fundamental necessities of life. They desire protection from landlords who neglect their responsibilities, restraining orders to protect themselves from abusive boyfriends, or an advocate to fight for their custody rights against an ex-husband who only wants the children to spite his wife. Pay attention to number agreement

I never did see or hear from that family again. However, that meeting resonates with me in everything I do. Despite the circumstances against them, despite their income level, and despite the deleterious conditions of their residence – the family still had hope. A hope that emitted a tingle down my spine as I slowly led them into the intake room. A hope that I know will lead them in the right direction. A hope that guides me to the right path through the unknown, the unseen, and the unpredictable. Not complete sentences. I get that it's stylistic, but you can make complete sentences stylized too

This is a great essay topic. I disagree with the comment saying you should use a case where you could help. This is really unique and a good choice for a topic. You manage to say a lot about yourself just by choosing to write about this. This will stand out. The length doesn't necessarily matter either, depending on what is asked for. That said, if I were an adcomm I would be inclined to reject this on account of the grammar. Though you clearly have a good vocabulary and a persuasive voice, you need to work on your writing a lot. Maybe read something like this and start revising:

https://www.amherst.edu/system/files/me ... ridged.PDF