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Are these terrible sentences?

Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 10:37 am
by Tigress
"I am particularly interested in Duke’s Center on Law, Race and Politics and its forthcoming international human rights law clinic as I am deeply passionate about human rights law."

I know this sentence is not good, how can I make it better?

Re: Are these terrible sentences?

Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 7:14 pm
by DocHawkeye
There is probably enough for a couple of paragraphs here:

I am deeply passionate about human rights law. [Give examples of your passion - writings, paid or volunteer work, courses, and etc.]

Because of my [interest/passion/work experience] in human rights, Duke’s Center on Law, Race and Politics and its forthcoming international human rights law clinic have made your school one of my top choices. [Expand on what you hope to gain/feel you can offer to the program].

Re: Are these terrible sentences?

Posted: Fri Jun 14, 2013 12:28 am
by Tekrul
Agreed with above poster. Smashing these ideas too closely together / listing them without getting into them makes them sound insincere. State these claims but then back them up as separate paragraphs.