PS redux: I would like some feedback Thanks! Forum

[ugobabe86]

Thanks!

[bluepenguin]

My attention span is weak at the moment, so lets just look at P1...

An all consuming anger welled up inside me as I read an article “Children are targets of Nigerian witch hunt” by Tracy McVeigh describing the killings and abandonment of children at the hands of those they should have trusted the most, their parents. Reading further I felt sick at the reason behind the murders, evangelical pastors telling parents that their children were witches; making a profit from such edicts became a sickening competitive market. The article echoed events from my childhood and showed how depraved crimes against children had become. My upbringing was testament to rampant corruption; divisions along religious ethnic and tribal lines partnered with active crime, made for a volatile community. Lack of accountability eased the way for crime allowing for easy access to children without fear of capture or reprisal. News about kidnapped children from a neighboring school and probable death became part of playground conversations. We weren't protected from the atrocities taking place around us; I couldn't imagine the circumstances changing for the better.

-Capitalize (most of) the words in article titles
-Why on earth are you mentioning this article? I don't think you refer back to it or explain why this article is important at all. Why not just talk about your own experiences?
-First sentence kind of runs on and is unnecessarily complicated
-That's not how you use "testament"
-What about the crime made it "active"?
-Lack of accountability? What do you mean by that?
-Don't use contractions

[CFprez]

It would be during my college years that I became aware of the potential impact I could have and how my past was an asset. I wanted to understand the policies of nations and their motives in implementing those policies; I became acquainted with nongovernmental and governmental organizations and the endless possibilities that could be accomplished with them. An event held by the Muslim Student Association at the University of South Carolina would make a deep impression on me. The South Carolina fast-a-thon focused on the plight of children and featured a girl named Salee; she had lost both legs to a missile strike that also killed her brother and cousin. I was stirred by her story, inspired by the support and fight she received from strangers. I knew that I was able to impact a life like Salee’s and I couldn't be satisfied by passivity.

Okay since your PS has some small resemblance to mine (I work at a refugee center, I speak a refugee language) I just want to point a few things out
1. Your past is hinted to, but I think it would help if you did somethings simple like "I came from x country, at x age
2. "endless possibilities that could be accomplished with them" endless possibilities sounds like hyperbole, try connecting it to something specific
3. Is the fast a thon and the Muslim Student Association the same? It isn't clear.
4. "Fight she received from strangers" sounds like they are beating her up.

[ugobabe86]

It would be during my college years that I became aware of the potential impact I could have and how my past was an asset. I wanted to understand the policies of nations and their motives in implementing those policies; I became acquainted with nongovernmental and governmental organizations and the endless possibilities that could be accomplished with them. An event held by the Muslim Student Association at the University of South Carolina would make a deep impression on me. The South Carolina fast-a-thon focused on the plight of children and featured a girl named Salee; she had lost both legs to a missile strike that also killed her brother and cousin. I was stirred by her story, inspired by the support and fight she received from strangers. I knew that I was able to impact a life like Salee’s and I couldn't be satisfied by passivity.

Okay since your PS has some small resemblance to mine (I work at a refugee center, I speak a refugee language) I just want to point a few things out
1. Your past is hinted to, but I think it would help if you did somethings simple like "I came from x country, at x age
2. "endless possibilities that could be accomplished with them" endless possibilities sounds like hyperbole, try connecting it to something specific
3. Is the fast a thon and the Muslim Student Association the same? It isn't clear.
4. "Fight she received from strangers" sounds like they are beating her up.

4. I didn't mean to put "fight" in there Oops

And thank you both...I'm going to keep working on it until it's right. Thank you again.