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i think it's too flowery. some description is nice, but currently there's too much and it distracts from what this should be about - you. this is a personal statement, not a mysterious tale of an exotic land. also, it's a little awkward to talk about caste and servants and stuff in a nonchalant fashion like you have done here. generally those things reflect poorly on a person...

Thanks for the comment. But what I was going for was an aesthetic contrast between this magical but outmoded world and the volatile, democratic, capitalistic economy that I have worked within; the rest of the essay will I hope be written with more concision.

Your point about caste is pretty well-made though. I was trying to characterize the realm owned by my grandfather and thus reflect things from his perspective; if this doesn't come across, then I'll just revise it to make the irony more explicit.

Thanks a lot.